Among Those Shadowy Brides
Reflections from C. S. Lewis on the real evil of sexual sin.
Pastor and author John Piper has said the closest he ever came to being fired from his long tenure as pastor of Bethlehem Baptist Church was when he wrote an article entitled “Missions and Masturbation.”
Provocative title, huh?
The article was birthed out of the sadness he felt over so many people, young people especially, who “were being lost in the cause of Christ’s mission because they were not taught how to deal with the guilt of sexual failure.”
Piper’s article was published in 1984, which was 34 years ago! A lot has changed since then.
But at the same time, a lot hasn’t changed. Piper’s concern that many people were being lost to the mission of Christ because they didn’t know how to deal with the guilt and shame that came from their sexual failure is still relevant. Sexual sin, and its associated guilt and shame, are just as prevalent, if not more so.
Nearly 30 years before Piper wrote his article, C. S. Lewis wrote about the topic of masturbation in a letter to a friend, which must have been very taboo at the time. In fact, it seems the recipient of the letter, Keith Masson, had asked Lewis about several matters related to sexual ethics, believing that a frank discussion would be helpful to young people. And I agree; being frank, without being crass, is what is needed.
Here’s what C. S. Lewis wrote,
For me the real evil of masturbation would be that it takes an appetite which, in lawful use, leads the individual out of himself to complete (and correct) his own personality in that of another (and finally in children and even grandchildren) and turns it back: sends the man back into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary brides.
And this harem, once admitted, works against his ever getting out and really uniting with a real woman. For the harem is always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no real woman can rival. Among those shadowy brides he is always adored, always the perfect lover: no demand is made on his unselfishness, no mortification ever imposed on his vanity. In the end, they become merely the medium through which he increasingly adores himself. . . . And it is not only the faculty of love which is thus sterilized, forced back on itself, but also the faculty of imagination. (C. S. Lewis, The Collected Letters of C. S. Lewis, Volume 3: Narnia, Cambridge, and Joy, 1950–1963, ed. Walter Hooper (New York: HarperCollins, 2007), 758–59.
Notice the severe contrast Lewis sets forth between the biblical vision of sexuality and the distorted one that occurs in masturbation: not self-less giving but selfish taking; not loving another but lusting for one’s self; not a place of life-giving effort but the lazy way of ease. Lewis calls this life of the imagination “among these shadowy brides” a thing that leads a man “into the prison of himself.” This, at least in part, is the slavery from which Piper wanted to protect young men and women. Indeed, it is the slavery from which Jesus wants to save us.
In pastoral ministry I’ve seen too many men locked inside this prison. This is why I’ve spent the last two years laboring to write a book that marshals every God-given resource available to help men struggle against sexual sin. Just yesterday I sent an edited copy of the book back to the publisher. Soon they will send me a preview draft of the interior layout. After that comes the cover design. And after that, it will be available to the world.
Please pray for me. Pray for all of us.
* Photo by Aaron Mello on Unsplash
11 Resources on The Bible, Sexuality, and Homosexuality
Today, there are so many books being published about the Bible and sexuality, and especially about the Bible and homosexuality. In many ways, this is a good thing. But there is also a downside: it’s hard to know which books are the most helpful.
In May, our church spent two nights teaching on God’s design for sexual intimacy (here and here). We covered topics such as marriage, pornography, and homosexuality. In preparation, the two teaching pastors at our church (Jason Abbott and I) created the following list of our top eleven books on sexuality.
1. The Bible
We start here, because, well… it’s just the place to start. The key passages from God’s Word that deal with sex generally, as well as all of the passages that deal with homosexuality specifically, are as follows: Genesis 1-3; Genesis 19; Leviticus 18:22 & 20:13; Judges 19; Proverbs 5-7; The Song of Solomon; Romans 1:26-28; 1 Corinthians 6:9-11; and 1 Timothy 1:8-11. (This hyperlink is to the ESV Study Bible by Crossway. I’ve been using it for several years and have found it a very helpful resource for deep study of the Word.)
2. A Celebration of Sex by Dr. Douglas E. Rosenau
Sex is a good gift from God and this book celebrates it as such. As well, Dr. Rosenau addresses typical problems couples experience in marital intimacy, whether physical, emotional, relational, or spiritual. We wouldn’t recommend this book for anyone that isn’t currently married.
3. What Is The Meaning of Sex? by Denny Burk
This is a great book for believers who want to explore various questions about the ultimate purpose for sex. At the most fundamental level, Burk argues persuasively that human sexuality is intended to bring God glory. (See my book review here.)
4. The Mingling of Souls by Matt Chandler
This is an engaging study through The Song of Solomon. The book moves through dating, courting, marriage, and intimacy. Additionally, there is an excellent small group video series available.
5. What Does the Bible Really Teach About Homosexuality? by Kevin DeYoung
There are so many questions about homosexuality worthy of consideration, but this book answers the question that must be answered before any other questions can be appropriately broached. That question is this: according to the Bible, is homosexual practice a sin or (under the right circumstances) is it a blessing we should celebrate and solemnize? In this book, DeYoung affirms the traditional understanding and also engages the most common objections to this view.
6. Is God anti-gay? by Sam Allberry
This book explores what the Bible says about marriage, sexuality, and same-sex attraction. What is especially helpful in it is Allberry’s perspective on these matters. He is a pastor who experiences same-sex attraction yet is committed to living a celibate life in accordance with his understanding of the Bible. (See my book review here.)
7. Washed and Waiting by Wesley Hill
Like Allberry, Wesley Hill experiences same-sex attraction and, like Allberry, is committed to celibacy for the glory of God. However, Hill’s book is more of a personal memoir of his experience of growing up in the church and grappling with his sexuality. This book is especially helpful for those wanting to consider whether their church provides a healthy, gospel-centered atmosphere for those grappling with same-sex attraction. (See my book review here.)
8. The Bible and Homosexual Practice by Robert Gagnon
This book is for those who want to grapple with the question of homosexuality at a very academic level. Gagnon is perhaps the leading scholar on the Bible and homosexuality. Interestingly, even though he’s part of a denomination affirming homosexual marriage, he sees nothing in the Bible that would support that position. Consequently, he has been much maligned within his denomination for his writings on this topic.
9. Loving Homosexuals as Jesus Would by Chad Thompson
This is a practical book teaching us how we might love our homosexual friends. It is written by a former practicing homosexual.
10. Out of a Far Country by Christopher Yuan
This book is the moving personal story of Yuan’s conversion to Christianity. Like Wesley Hill and Sam Allberry, he’s same-sex attracted. It is also one of the best books available for thinking through why the church and Christians are often seen as enemies by the LGBT community. Yuan does an excellent job of helping believers rethink their approach to sharing the Gospel with LGBT friends, family, and acquaintances.
11. Porn-Again Christian by Mark Driscoll
This book, as the subtitle states, is “a frank discussion on pornography and masturbation.” It’s a book for men. You can Google it to download it as a free ebook or you can click here.
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Reflections on The Bachelor
After nineteen seasons, I finally watched some of The Bachelor. And because I believe women should be held in honor, and because I believe sex is a gift from God, I won’t ever watch again.
Our kids were misbehaving last night, so they got sent to bed early. It probably was not the best use of our time but since my wife and I had extra, we decided to flip the on TV. Among a few other things, we watched twenty minutes of The Bachelor. I had heard about The Bachelor, but it wasn’t quite what I had imagined… it was far worse.
On last night’s episode, the protagonist and Iowa farmer Chris Soules, had already narrowed the women down from thirty to just three. Now he was to take each on a final date in the country of Bali. Pretty exotic, right? And with these last dates came the famous overnighters in the Fantasy Suites, of course fitted with votive candles, four-poster beds, and bathtubs filled with rose petals.
At first, for me, there was a humor to it all. I couldn’t take it seriously. As Whitney talked with Chris on a massive sailboat on the Indian Ocean, and the camera repeatedly offered close-ups of Chris as he listened to her drone on and on about her sister’s reservations about their potential marriage, I provided my own commentary for what Chris might have been thinking.
But the more I watched, the more painful it became. I kept thinking to myself, how is it that this show is tolerated by women? It’s so offensive to them!
I felt this all the more because just before The Bachelor, we caught a few minutes of an Oscar recap show, and several times we saw a clip of Patricia Arquette passionately appealing for wage equality for women, to which the crowd—especially a few prominent women—enthusiastically applauded. I understood Ms. Arquette to be making the point that women should be honored and treated fairly. I’m not a huge fan of the celebrity soapbox, but to me this sounded like a noble enough talking point, and apparently the audience thought so as well.
Why do I bring this up? Generally speaking there are healthy, although sometimes overdone, voices in culture rightly challenging all of us to treat women with dignity. Which is why, I say again, I can hardly believe a show like The Bachelor—a show that denigrates women and turns their beauty and sexuality into a competition—is tolerated.
But then I realized something: The Bachelor is not tolerated, it’s loved. Case in point: if you count all the various renditions, the show is in its nineteenth season.
As television shows do, before each commercial break, The Bachelor kept showing upcoming scenes hoping that viewers would keep watching. The particular teaser that was on repeat last night was a short clip of Becca, the third woman, explaining to Chris as they were about to enter the Fantasy Suite that she was a virgin.
I was done. I couldn’t take it.
It’s common to hear people speak as though we in the modern world have the moral high ground on those in the past, particularly those in what we might call “primitive” cultures. I’m thinking especially of our tendency to learn about strange, cultic sex practices in ancient cultures and think that we have improved morally. But when I watch The Bachelor and consider its popularity, I say no way. It would seem to me that we can be every bit as far from God’s design as those of the past. Our culture, like those of other eras, has a schizophrenic view of sex: we both over and under value it. We say sex has tremendous meaning, even an ultimate meaning for our lives. And at the same time we say it is meaningless—something cheap and casual.
But it’s not that I’m so upset with culture at large; that’s not where my confusion is mostly directed. What I cannot understand is the show’s popularity among Christian women.
Perhaps, however, some of my sisters in Christ will object: Benjamin, you can’t possibly tell the quality of a show by just watching twenty minutes.
Maybe. But what if you saw me in a public place, say a Starbucks, reading the latest edition of Sports Illustrated, which just so happens to be the swimsuit issue with its typically provocative and demeaning pictures. Would it be appropriate for someone to say to me, as a Christian man, that what I was doing was wrong? Or couldn’t I object and say, But you’re only judging by a quick glance and that’s not fair; there are some good articles in this.
Here’s the deal: sometimes you don’t need all the context. Sometimes it’s the whole context that lulls us to sleep. Sex is a gift from God. And as such, we ought not to overvalue it as though it were a god, but neither should we undervalue it either. After nineteen seasons, I’m glad I’ve only seen twenty minutes. And thankful they’ll be, God willing, my last.
[Image: Craig Sjodin/ABC, from The Washington Post]
Two Favorite Sermons on the Biblical View of Sex
Why did God make us sexual beings? And what difference does the knowledge of God make to our sexuality? Find the answers here.
I've listened to a lot of sermons. In the last decade, I estimate 3-4 per week. That makes for 1,500-2,000 sermons. Along the way, there have been many good ones. The other day, something reminded me of 2 sermons that are in my ‘Top 10.’ And both of them happen to be by John Piper, and both just happen to be on sex.
The sermons come from the Design God National Conference a few years ago. The title of the conference was, “Sex and the Supremacy of Christ.”
WARNING: Do not confuse the order of this title. Our culture does.
Dr. Piper opened and closed the conference with these two messages (here and here). This month is the 10th anniversary of the conference, and the messages are more relevant, not less, today.
Below is a favorite quote from each:
Sex and the Supremacy of Christ, Part I
[God’s] goal in creating human beings with personhood and passion was to make sure that there would be sexual language and sexual images that would point to the promises and the pleasures of God’s relationship to his people and our relationship to him. In other words, the ultimate reason (not the only one) why we are sexual is to make God more deeply knowable. The language and imagery of sexuality is the most graphic and most powerful that the Bible uses to describe the relationship between God and his people—both positively (when we are faithful) and negatively (when we are not).
Sex and the Supremacy of Christ, Part II
As Abraham Kuyper used to say, “there is not a square inch in the whole domain of our human existence over which Christ, who is Sovereign over all, does not cry, ‘Mine!’” And rule with absolute supremacy. And though it may not seem so now, it is only a matter of time until he is revealed from heaven in flaming fire to give relief to those who trust him and righteous vengeance on those who don’t.
This second quote is the crescendo of 10 minutes of sustained exultation of the supremacy of Christ. Wonderful stuff. Again, the messages are more relevant today, not less.
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WHAT IS THE MEANING OF SEX? by Denny Burk (FAN AND FLAME Book Reviews)
Lots of helpful things in WHAT IS THE MEANING OF SEX? Here are seven of them.
What is the Meaning of Sex? by Denny Burk (Crossway, 2013, 272 pages)
What is the Meaning of Sex? does many things well, but most especially is the way it assesses each ‘sub-topic' in light of the ultimate meaning of sex, namely, the glory of God.
Hence, the symmetry of the eight chapter titles: Glorify God with Your _______ 1) …Body, 2), …Hermeneutic, 3) …Marriage, 4) …Conjugal Union, 5) …Family Planning, 6), …Gender, 7) …Sexuality, and 8) …Singleness.
Throughout, I found Burk a reliable guide.
Here are 7 significant takeaways (for me):
- The distinction between subordinate purposes and ultimate. Burk notes that some who discuss the purposes of sex (i.e., procreation, pleasure, etc.) stop short of identifying its ultimate purpose—like someone who states that a car is for ‘sitting in’ without drawing attention to its ultimate purpose, namely, transportation (Burk’s metaphor, 23-24).
- Jesus and Paul are NOT in a hermeneutical ‘cage match’—the Bible’s “red letters” vs. “black letters.” You’ll have to read the chapter; it’s good stuff.
- The book is not only a polemic against homosexual practice. This is in there, but the treatment doesn’t overwhelm the whole. (If there was a minor place for improvement, because Chapter 7 is so focused on homosexuality, I might encourage a title more specific than “Glorify God with your Sexuality.” The content is great, but perhaps it needs a narrower heading.)
- The discussion of the Pill and its potentially abortifacient qualities (148-151). This conversation is a staple of my pre-marital counseling. I appreciated the refresher.
- Each chapter has a great summary at the end—thoroughly useful for teaching and discussion purposes.
- Detailed scholarship without missing the forest.
- The whole of the book, in all its varied discussions, coheres.
A Key Passage
When it comes to ultimate meaning, we do not find answers in causes but in purposes. If you want to understand a hammer, it is not enough to know its cause (i.e., where the hammer came from, the factory in which it was manufactured, who designed it, etc.). To understand a hammer, I have to know for what purpose it was created. A hammer’s created purpose is to drive nails… It is the hammer’s purpose that determines the ultimate meaning, not the cause. Similarly, I might know everything there is to know about theories of human origins, about human reproduction, and about the biological genetic factors that determine human sexuality. But if I do not understand the purpose for which human sexuality was made, then I do not understand it. Nor am I prepared to give a proper ethical evaluation of its use. (Burk, What is the Meaning of Sex?, 22-23; emphasis original)
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