The Very Flame of the Lord: A Wedding Reflection on That Which Cannot Be Quenched

I recently officiated the wedding of Noah and Hannah, a couple I care about deeply, and I thought I’d pass on my wedding reflection. The sermon is a short reflection on the gospel beauty of Song of Solomon 8:6–7.

Before the wedding began, rain poured all day in 90-minute chunks. We borrowed from baseball and opted for a short rain delay. It worked. The clouds parted, a rainbow streamed across the valley, and God joined a man and woman in holy matrimony.

*     *     *

Noah and Hannah, I’ve been waiting for this day for a long time. You and your parents certainly have been waiting for it longer. But I’d say I’ve been earnestly waiting for this day to come around since at least, well, I don’t know . . . August 10, 2020. To be more specific, I’ve been waiting for your wedding day since Monday, August 10, 2020 at 10:24 a.m.

Why 10:24 a.m.? you ask. Well, that is when I received one of the best emails I’ve ever received. For context, the day before I had just officiated the wedding of another couple in our congregation, which you’ll see this email referred to as an “interview.” I’ll tell you now that the email was signed in this way: “Sincerely, Noah, on behalf of the [groom’s last name] – [bride’s last name] Event Planning Corporation.”

But how does the email begin? you say. I’ll tell you.

Dear Mr. Vrbicek, I hope this message finds you well. Thank you for your interest in playing a role in the forthcoming [groom’s last name] – [bride’s last name] wedding. Your desire for involvement is something that we see and appreciate. During the interview conducted yesterday, you were being evaluated under the criteria of eloquence, flexibility, quick-thinking, aesthetic, and overall likability.

This goes on for several paragraphs, eventually asking me to officiate their forthcoming wedding. The email concludes,

Please feel free to reach back out at your convenience. We would love to hear what you are thinking about this opportunity, or if there is anything we can do to make this onboarding process as seamless as possible. We are excited to bring you on board—your skills will be a great asset to our team.

That was 327 days ago. Now here we are: July 3, 2021 at 6-something p.m. I have now long sense been successfully “onboarded to the team,” and I guess in a sense, so have all of us.

So, what do we do now? What do I say now? At this time I want to share a few comments about marriage and Christianity. These comments are for all of us, but I would especially like to share them with you, Noah and Hannah.

There’s that line about “what do you get a guy who has everything,” or “what do you get a gal who has everything.” I’m not attempting to imply that, Noah and Hannah, you have everything. But I do want to say, especially to Noah, that he has heard me speak at many a wedding before, and he has heard everything I have to say at weddings.

In fact, the other year, Noah and I, together, worked at several weddings in a row—Noah played the music, and I led the ceremony. And we made the joke that he and I should just take this “gig on the road.” I’m not sure how lucrative the preacher and musician “wedding gig” is; we never found out. But I bring this up to say that it’s not that Noah has everything, but, again, that he has heard me say everything I typically say at this moment at a wedding.

So, what do I say now, what do I say to two people I care about deeply but feel like you’ve heard it all from me before?

Well, there is one angle on marriage you’ve never heard me talk about before. I tried to talk about it to you once, but you, Noah, got up to leave in the middle of when I was speaking. Hannah, you did not run away from my Sunday school class. Noah said he “had” to go back upstairs to the sanctuary to lead music for the worship service that was taking place because he is one of our worship leaders. A likely story.

I was teaching that particular Sunday school class through the provocative Old Testament book called the Song of Solomon. If you know anything about that book, you know it’s a love poem, at times an explicit love poem, between an engaged couple who eventually get married and go on to do the sorts of things husbands and wives do, which is to say the book can be a little awkward. Perhaps this is why, Noah, you got up to leave in the middle of my class. Because you did, you missed me read and talk about one of the not-awkward but beautiful passages from the end of the book.

In Song of Solomon 8:6–7, the woman has a request to her husband, the request to be close to him and that his love would be directed always and only toward her. Then she goes on to say something about the tenacity of the love of God. The woman says to her husband,

Set me as a seal upon your heart,
    as a seal upon your arm,
for love is strong as death,
    jealousy is fierce as the grave.
Its flashes [the holy, jealous flashes of marital love] are flashes of fire,
    the very flame of the LORD.
Many waters cannot quench love,
    neither can floods drown it.
If a man offered for love
    all the wealth of his house,
    he would be utterly despised. (8:6–7)

This passage is the only place in the book that mentions the name of the Lord, the name YHWH. And when she does, she likens their marital love for each other to something drawn from the love of God, which she calls the “very flame of the LORD,” a love so strong it cannot be quenched by many waters.

In other words, the love of God is like a candle shining in the darkness, and if you took that candle on the boat called “Maid of the Mist,” and rode it not just near but even under Niagara Falls, not even the torrent of water pouring down Niagara Falls could put out the very flame of the Lord. The love of God for his people is too hot and too bright to be quenched. 

When I hear the woman in the Song of Solomon talk about the love of God in this way, I hear a woman talking about the covenant love of God. I hear her talking about what Christians call the gospel.

A covenant relationship is not focused on whether the other person upholds their end of the agreement. A covenant relationship is one based on a solemn vow to hold up your end of the agreement regardless of whether the other person does. This is why covenant relationships are so beautiful, why Christianity is so beautiful.

Jesus loves you in the gospel with covenant love. Jesus, knowing exactly who the church is, knowing exactly who his bride is—in all of his bride’s glory, sure, but most especially all of his bride’s shame and depravity and guilt and weaknesses and insecurities and failures—knowing all of this, Jesus still loves his bride. Noah and Hannah, your many failures and manifold weaknesses cannot quench the love of God in Christ for you.

This covenant love of God is why marriage between a husband and wife is a pointer to the love of God. When the world looks at a marriage—although the light is not near as bright or as strong as the love he has for us—marital, covenant love comes from the same sort of flame. Engagements will always come to an end, but marriages, as God intends them to be, should burn without “sickness or health” and “better or worse” quenching the flame of love.

Now, I promised I would say something new. But while I started by saying something new, I’ve ended up talking about the love of God as a covenant love, and in doing so I’ve made the sorts of statements I always make at weddings, indeed themes you, Noah, and probably you too, Hannah, have previously heard me say many times.

This makes me think of something the apostle Paul wrote to a church in an ancient city called Philippi. Paul deeply loved the church and the people in Philippi. From prison in Rome he made it a point to write a letter to them. Many lines from that letter are familiar to Christians today. Paul writes that “at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord” (2:10–11). Paul writes of how he has “learned in whatever situation . . . to be content,” which he follows with the famous statement that he “can do all things through [Christ] who strengthens [him]” (Phil. 4:12, 13). These are familiar lines. In that same letter he also wrote this: “To write the same things to you is no trouble to me and is safe for you” (Phil. 3:1).

Paul could have plowed new ground. But the best lesson for them, the safest lesson, was to remind them of what they already knew, what he had already taught them. I feel the same. Significant moments in our lives—weddings, funerals, and so on—I believe are not so much for giving new information but opportunities to remind us of what we already know.

Therefore, it’s no trouble to say to you the same sorts of things I always say at a wedding. Noah and Hannah, your marriage is to display this covenant, gospel, “very-flame-of-the-Lord” type of love. Noah, as you love your wife sacrificially and unconditionally, you display the gospel, the unconditional love of Christ for his bride. This is a high and honorable calling. And, Hannah, as you love and support Noah, you display the response to the gospel. You also have a high and beautiful calling.

But more importantly, I want you to know that even though both of you will inadequately display the flame of the Lord in your marriage, remember that you are not saved because you have a perfect marriage or a perfect spiritual life or a perfect anything: Remember, God loves you with a flame that many waters cannot quench. And his covenant love toward you will hold you through better and worse and sickness and health and life and death.

* Photo by Tales and Trees Photography (via a Facebook post)

On Christianity and Porn: A REMOJO Podcast Interview

This year I’ve been the guest on a few radio interviews and podcasts. I don’t usually share these on the blog, but I’m making an exception for this one because this interview was, well, different.

Jack Jenkins, the CEO & Founder of an app to help people quit pornography, invited me on his show to talk about Christianity and pornography. That, by itself may not be too strange. What made the conversation more interesting is that Jack is not a Christian. And neither is his app REMOJO faith-based. The company wanted to hear from a Christian, as many of the people benefiting from their app are Christians. What a neat opportunity, I thought.

I really enjoyed talking with Jack, and hope you find the conversation helpful too. In hindsight, I wish I had answered a few questions better than I did, but interviews, just like life, happen in real-time, and we do the best we can. Thanks to the handful of people who prayed for me while the interview took place.

If you’d like to see more info about REMOJO, check out their website.

Batalla Contra la Pornografía: The Spanish Edition of Struggle Against…

About a year ago, my friend Kevin Halloran encouraged me to find a way to get my book Struggle Against Porn published in Spanish. Kevin is bilingual and tells me there are few gospel-centered resources in Spanish to help men win the war against lust, especially compared to the abundance of English resources. So, Kevin connected me with Daniel Puerto, the Executive Director of Soldados de Jesucristo, a prominent Christian website in the Spanish-speaking world (Soldiers in Christ, in English).

Now, fast forward to just last week, and the book was published as both a paperback and ebook available on Amazon. My friend Chase Replogle helped me create a cover similar to the original.

Soon, Soldados de Jesucristo will post all the chapters from the book in a long blog-series on their website. The material is so important, we want to make it freely and widely available to anyone who wants help.

Buy on Amazon

Back in January of 2021 I asked for financial help to cover the cost of the translation. Thank you so much to the dozen or so people who helped. It means a lot to me.

If you know anyone who would be interested in the book, please send them this way. I can offer discounted pricing for bulk orders.

And if you can read Spanish, I’ll end the post letting you enjoy the endorsement from blogger and author Tim Challies:

Cuando comencé a escribir sobre pornografía, muchos cristianos se asombraban de descubrir, no solo la dimensión del problema, sino simplemente que existía un problema. Hoy, una década más tarde, la situación ha cambiado radicalmente y los cristianos están tan acostumbrados a escuchar sobre pornografía que casi ha llegado a ser aceptada como si fuera normal. Sin embargo, la pornografía sigue siendo tan peligrosa y devastadora como siempre. Por esa razón, estoy agradecido por recursos como este que continúan combatiendo en contra de esta plaga terrible.

Tim Challies, conocido blogger en www.challies.com, cofundador de Cruciform Press y autor de varios libros incluyendo Limpia tu mente.

* Photo by Sab Qadeer on Unsplash

Thank You for Helping Get My “Struggle” Book Translated into Spanish

Friends:

Last week I asked if you’d consider helping me publish a Spanish translation of my book Struggle Against Porn.

Great news—we made it! I had hoped to raise $700 for the translation, and we got there with a little room to spare. Please stop sending me money! We hope to have the book available for purchase early this summer.

Additionally, when the book is released in Spanish, Soldados de Jesucristo (a prominent Christian website in the Spanish-speaking world) will post all the chapters from the book in a long blog-series on their website. The material is so important, we want to make it freely and widely available to anyone who wants help.

If you missed last week’s blog post and want to hear about why I consider this project to be so critical, you can read about it here.

Thanks,
Benjamin

* Photo by Euan Cameron on Unsplash

Would You Help Get My “Struggle” Book Translated into Spanish?

[Update: Thank you for all the financial help; the funds needed for this project were raised on January 15, just a few days after I posted this.]

Each week that I stand in front of my congregation to preach, I assume I look out into many eyes that looked at pornography the previous week.

These same people—both men and women—got up early on the weekend, showered, dressed, and drove across town to gather with God’s people for church. They put in this effort to hear truth from God’s word preached, truth about the beauty of the gospel, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting. Deep down, this is what they want to hear about. But they also gather as those who feel guilty and ashamed because they gave into temptation the previous week.

Most of these men and women, I assume, want their church and their pastor to help them with their struggle but don’t know where to begin to look for that help.

A Book to Help Struggling Saints

I don’t think it’s wise to talk about pornography in the sermon each week. Many other issues are worthy of our attention, and, besides, talking about porn too often tends to give this one particular struggle too much gravity. The war against lust, I believe, is often won by attacking from the flank, not from a direct assault. To say it another way, feasting on Jesus curbs our appetite for junk food.

But just because I can’t address something each week in a sermon doesn’t mean that I don’t want to help. I do want to help. This is why I wrote a book a few years ago called Struggle Against Porn: 29 Diagnostic Tests for Your Head and Heart. I wrote it to help men not struggle passively with porn but rather struggle proactively against it, hence the title had the word against. The book was published by Rainer Publishing in May of 2019 and received endorsements from Tim Challies, Drew Dyck, Garrett Kell, and Tim Chester.

A New Spanish Translation Coming Soon!

Buy on Amazon

For the last year, my friend Kevin Halloran has encouraged me to find a way to get the book published in Spanish. Kevin is bilingual and tells me there are few gospel-centered resources in Spanish to help men win the war against lust, especially compared to the abundance of English resources. So, Kevin connected me with Soldados de Jesucristo, a prominent Christian website in the Spanish speaking world (Soldiers in Christ, in English).

Now, fast forward a few months, and Soldados de Jesucristo and I are working on a professional translation and publication of the book.

Additionally, when the book is released in Spanish, Soldados de Jesucristo will post all the chapters from the books in a long blog-series on their website. The material is so important, we want to make it freely and widely available to anyone who wants help. Lord willing, we’ll publish the book’s Spanish translation by early summer of 2021 (this year!), and the blog series on Soldados de Jesucristo will follow shortly thereafter.

Will You Donate to the Translation Project?

I would love your help. The cost of translation and editing is $700. All the other work—the cover design, the book layout, etc.—will be covered by the publisher.

In fact, let me just be candid. The publisher for this project is my self-publishing imprint Fan and Flame, which means I will cover all costs. I’ve already paid for the translation too. I’m just reaching out to see if anyone else wants to participate in this opportunity to bless others.

Let me put it another way. As an author and publisher, I’ve been pushing a “boulder” to the top of a new hill, and it would be wonderful to have a few people help me give it a final shove down the other side. (Well, maybe a boulder is not the right metaphor, but you get the idea.)

Would you consider donating to the translation? For every donation over $50, I will add your name to the book’s copyright page to say thank you.

If you’d like to ask more follow-up questions, please send me an email at benjamin@fanandflame.com. If you happen to be able to read Spanish, let me know. We’ll need a few people to spot read sections of the book before it launches.

You can donate to the translation project here.

Donate

(And just in case it matters to you, let me mention one other item. Unfortunately, donations will not be tax-free. Even though my blog does not make any money, I’m considered a “for-profit organization,” so I can’t hook you up with a donation receipt. Sorry about that.)

* Photo by Štefan Štefančík on Unsplash

What Should Engaged Christian Couples Know about Sex?: 11 Myths about Marital Intimacy

I’ve not been one to complain that seminary didn’t teach me how to do this or that. My seminary experience was fantastic. Also, I didn’t expect to learn in seminary everything I’d ever need to know about the Bible and pastoral ministry. I expected my 106 graduate-level credits to give me the tools and character formation I needed to begin a lifetime of fruitful and faithful ministry in a local church. I certainly got that—and a whole lot more.

But one exception exits. When it comes to premarital counseling, I got diddly squat. At least as I remember it, we never charted what premarital counseling should look like for an engaged couple. I had to make that up from scratch the first time I walked a couple through the process. It’s a process I’ve continued to tweak for the last decade.

My wife and I typically do all the premarital counseling at our house in the evenings. Most years that’s four to seven couples, which means at least a few times a month (especially during the spring) we have an engaged couple over for dessert and counseling.

Across the engagement, our strategy has been to surface a half dozen or so topics of conversation. We try to pick areas of marriage, as we often repeat to the couple, that God wants to be awesome but are often difficult. We talk about roles and responsibilities, children, money, and a few others. During the final session, we talk about marital intimacy. It’s not my favorite topic because it stretches me so much, but the reasons why this is so would require another post.

Below are the talking points for the conversation about intimacy. I’ve cast them in the form of “myths,” which is to say that everything listed below is not true. We give the list to each couple, and for thirty to forty minutes my wife and I discuss why each statement is false, often adding a few reasons why God might have something better for married couples than the myth promises. Perhaps someday I’ll take the time to write what we talk about in more detail. For now, I’ll just share the outline.

 11 Myths about Marital Intimacy

1. The honeymoon is the zenith of ecstasy in a marriage; it’s all downhill after that.

2. Sexual desire and sexual arousal function in the same way for both men and women.

3. In the culture and in the church, sexual stereotypes for men and women are always accurate.

4. Your sex life is the most important aspect of your marriage.

5. Your sex life is unimportant in your marriage.

6. Good sex just sort of happens, even without communication.

7. Sex is equally good in all seasons of marriage.

8. Intimacy is unrelated to other aspects of marriage (trust, respect, bitterness, disappointment, stress, health, etc.)

9. Orgasm for the husband and wife will normally happen at the same time.

10. Orgasm, especially for the wife, will happen every time you have sex.

11. You will be the most fulfilled sexually when you primarily aim to please yourself.

* Photo by Morgan Lane on Unsplash

Book Giveaway 3 of 5: Struggle Against Porn

I’ve written a blog post nearly every week for the last six years. During that same time, I’ve also written dozens of guest posts for various websites and even a few books. And I love this. It’s not a chore. Most of the time, writing feels like eating ice cream and running downhill.

But after six years, I’m getting tired. I need a small break.

You can watch the short video below for a better introduction, but as a way to get some rest while at the same time show appreciation to my blog readers, I’m giving away physical copies of all the books I’ve written. (If you watched the last video, the first 2:22 is the same; just skip ahead to hear about this week’s book.) For five weeks this summer, I’m giving away five paperback copies of each of the five books that I’ve written. Each week I’ll giveaway a different book.

The only thing you need to do to get a paperback book is sign up for my blog (here) and reply to the welcome email to send me your address. If you are already subscribed to my blog, please share this post with a friend who might like to subscribe and get a paperback book.

This week I’m giving away copies of Struggle Against Porn: 29 Diagnostic Tests for Your Head and Heart. When I began studying the topic of how Christian men overcome sexual sin, I never intended to write a book. The idea was just to create a booklet, something I could hand out during counseling and discipleship meetings. Yet the booklet kept growing and growing. During the writing process more than a few times the guys at our church office teased me about it. “Benjamin,” they’d ask, “how’s your pornography book going?” “It’s not a pornography book,” I’d respond. “It’s a book to help men struggle against it.”

The main reason I wrote the book, though, was not because I was frustrated with the men in my church. I was frustrated with myself as a pastor. I knew many struggled with pornography, yet in discipleship and counseling meetings I didn’t think I had much to offer. That’s what set me on the journey.

When I had an editor look over the material, he told me I should try to get it published. Eventually it was, and Tim Challies, author and popular blogger, wrote this endorsement:

When I first began writing about pornography, many Christians were shocked to learn about not just the scope of the problem, but that the problem existed at all. Today, a decade later, the situation has changed radically and Christians may be so accustomed to hearing about pornography that we’ve almost come to accept it as normal. Yet pornography remains as dangerous and devastating as ever. For that reason I’m thankful for resources like this one that continue to combat this terrible plague.

Today I’m giving away paperback copies of the book. If you’d like a copy or know someone who would, please share this post with them.

Fine Print:

1. You must subscribe to my email list (here).

2. You must be a new subscriber.

3. You must reply to the “welcome” email with your address.

4. You must have an address in the United States (sorry of you live elsewhere!)

Jesus & Therapy: A Podcast Interview

Jesus & Therapy is a new podcast hosted by Kevin and Jessica Bullock dedicated to bridging the gap between theology and psychology. Kevin serves at his church as a volunteer minister, and Jessica is a licensed therapist.

The Bullock’s were kind to have me on their show to talk about my book Struggle Against Porn: 29 Diagnostic Tests for Your Head and Heart. We also discussed questions such as how pornography addiction starts, what are the first steps towards healing, and what a church can do to help individuals who struggle secretly.

Below is a video excerpt from my answer to the question of why I wrote the book. I’d love for you to listen to the episode. You can find it on their website Jesus & Therapy or at iTunes. And if you listen, you’ll notice I say we currently have “zero people coming to our church,” which was true in May when we recorded the interview. It’s been wonderful to meet in person again for the last seven weeks.

Conquer Lust During the COVID-19 Lockdown (and a Free Audiobook)

Last year in April, I launched my book Struggle Against Porn: 29 Diagnostic Tests for Your Head and Heart. I wrote it to help men struggle against lust, not with it.

Recently the publisher of the audiobook (One Audiobooks) allowed me to give away free copies of the audiobook. You can get them here. You’ll have to put in your email address and listen from the publisher’s website—but, hey, it’s still a free audiobook.

The COVID-19 lockdown creates many opportunities to trigger your lust. Below is a chapter from the book to help you overcome temptation. What are you doing to stay vigilant?

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CHAPTER 20

Know Your Situational and Emotional Triggers; Take Precautions Accordingly

A friend of mine recently mentioned to me that when he moved across the country to start a new job, besides the stress from the move and new job, he also experienced unrelated financial pressures and a personal tragedy. “The desire to escape to fantasy,” he told me, “was strong.”

His point was porn is not the problem, not really. Our hearts crave understanding, acceptance, intimacy, empowerment, and celebration. Often we are tempted toward fantasy because we are not experiencing these things in our own life. Being aware of these deficits is key to fighting lust. This is especially true when we experience, as my friend did, a transition or crisis, which commonly triggers lust.

Buy on Amazon

During these times there are often situations and emotions that may make it harder to combat lust. In other words, there are certain things that pull the pin of your sexual grenade. These triggers do not cause immediate detonations, but they make damage nearly inevitable; it’s only a matter of time. Perhaps it’s a trigger for you to lie alone in bed on a Saturday morning when you’ve nothing else to do. Or maybe it’s traveling alone on business trips. You’re tired from travel, you miss your home, and television is a way to escape and experience fantasy. For others it’s working out at a certain gym.

We need to know our situational temptations and take precautions accordingly. When the alarm clock goes off, force yourself off the bed and out of the bedroom. To accomplish this, it might mean scheduling something early on Saturday mornings so you’re not idle in the first place. If work gets out of control, find healthy release. If your gym is a problem, buy some dumbbells for your basement.

For me, in those seasons where sexual activity in my marriage has been less frequent—whether because of my own health challenges with severe food allergies or because of my wife’s pregnancies or some other reason—I’ll occasionally have a wet dream. The desire to masturbate the next morning is strong. I know this now and can pray accordingly.

Nevertheless, triggers aren’t merely situational; they’re emotional too, often primarily so. Emotions such as stress can build up a desire for calm and release. When we’re hungry for advancement at work or some other change in our life situation, we get antsy and yearn to feel powerful and in control. When we are anxious, we feel like we’re failing at something. When we are angry, perhaps it is because our pride was wounded. When we’re lonely, sexual sin looks like a shortcut to companionship. When we’re bored, we want something new and exciting. When we’re just plain tired, our defenses are down.

Some triggers will be impossible to avoid, but as you experience them, fight to believe the promises of God even as you learn to recognize the false promises of sin, especially when they begin to whisper. Because by the time they’re shouting, they’ll be leading you to the “promised land”—and it’s often too late.

Whatever your triggers, whether they’re emotional or situational, the issue is the same: sin promises to be our savior. Sin promises to be the answer for boredom, the salve for our wounded ego. Sin promises to provide stability and a sense of control when everything else feels transient. Sin promises rest by streams of clear water when life is stressful. Sin points to the forbidden tree, the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, saying, “Look, here’s the real tree of life.” But sin always promises more than she can deliver.

Instead of looking to sin when the waters of life are drowning you, look to the one who redeems you and calls you by name (Isa 43:1–3). He has shoulders of steel and the gospel of grace.

Diagnostic Questions:

1. Right now, are you experiencing life transitions or crises that are tempting you to escape into sinful fantasy?

2. What are your situational triggers? What can you do to prevent them from “pulling your pin”? If you don’t know what they are, pray about it and ask God to show you. Also, consider keeping a mental or written log to track when you have looked at porn so that you can identify commonalities.

3. What are your emotional triggers? Hunger, anxiety, anger, loneliness, fatigue, boredom? If you’re not sure, pray and think it over.

4. Sexual sin promises to be the savior of these emotions, but how is sin a disappointing savior? In what ways does the real Savior, the real gospel message, offer better salvation?

* Photo by Stijn Swinnen on Unsplash

A Video Series for Men

I created a 10-day video series to help men struggle against porn. Also included with the videos is a free ebook called 50 Questions for Accountability Meetings, which gives you tons of questions to consider as you struggle against lust and pornography.

Cultivate the Fear of the Lord: The “Struggle” Audiobook Is Available

In the spring my book Struggle Against Porn: 29 Diagnostic Tests for Your Head and Heart was published by Rainer Publishing. The audiobook is finally available for purchase. David K. Martin did a fantastic job narrating the book.

You can buy the audiobook at Amazon and Audible and soon at Hoopla, Overdrive, and ChristianAudio.

The sample listed with the audiobook comes from Chapter 13 of the book: “Cultivate the Fear of the Lord.” Below is the text of that chapter and a way to listen. I’d love for you to check out the book.

Thanks,
Benjamin

*     *     *

Chapter 13: Cultivate the Fear of the Lord

This part of the book (Cross-Training) began with the admonition to cultivate humility. Now I’ll close with the admonition to cultivate the fear of the Lord.

We often assume fear is a negative thing, which it can be. Christians shouldn’t live with the fear that God doesn’t love us. At the core of the gospel is the propitiation of God’s wrath. Any and all wrath that ought to have fallen on sinners like us was averted from God’s children and placed on Jesus (Rom 3:21–26). Therefore, we’ve nothing left to fear; the price has been paid, and the punishment has been absorbed by the Lamb of God. As John writes, “There is no fear in love but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love” (1 John 4:18).

However, we ought to cultivate a healthy fear of the Lord. Proverbs maintains that fear is the beginning of wisdom (1:7; 9:10). When I speak of healthy fear, I mean the fear of disappointing God. I mean awe at the splendor of his majesty and wonder over his creative power. I mean reverence in response to his wrath and his justice. I mean astonishment over his loving-kindness, which has been lavished upon us in the gospel. As the apostle Paul writes, “Since we have these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from every defilement of body and spirit, bringing holiness to completion in the fear of God” (2 Cor 7:1).

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We also ought to cultivate a fear of our own capacity to sin. Apart from the restraining grace of God, we’re not beyond committing any sin (Gen 20:6). It might seem ridiculous to you that someday you would view porn on five Internet browsers at the same time, but it’s not beyond you. If you’re familiar with the Lord of the Rings novels, you’ve seen this concept dramatized. The characters who have the greatest respect for the power of the ring and the greatest fear of how they themselves might abuse it become the safest and most helpful to the cause (Gandalf, Aragorn, and Galadriel). On the other hand, those who are the most overconfident in their own incorruptible ability become a threat (Boromir).

This truth became clear to me during an event in college. The man who discipled me also met regularly with one of the athletic coaches who was investigating Christianity. One day he told me this coach was having trouble becoming a Christian because of all the shame he felt from “real sins.” By this, I think he meant things that so-called good Christians would never do. I remember my friend looked at me and asked, “Take stealing, for example. When was the last time you stole something?”

I said, “I dunno.” And then the conversation moved on to other things.

The very next day, as I was munching on the sausage pizza I’d just stolen, I remembered our conversation. No, I hadn’t just robbed a Dominos, but I did make an on-campus “lunch and learn” a “loot and leave.”

Though I see the point about “real sins,” I also believe we all need to be more afraid of our own capacity to sin. We need guardrails to keep ourselves from veering and driving off a dangerous cliff.

For example, it’s sometimes necessary as a pastor to have a private conversation with a woman. But when I do, I’m always very careful to have other people around. When I email women, I keep my tone formal. When my wife and I go on a date, if our babysitter is a female teenager who doesn’t drive, I’ll never be the one to drive her home.

To some, these measures may seem like overkill or paranoia but taking no precautions would be assuming I’m more spiritual than King David. Many issues led David to be alone on a roof at the time when kings were supposed to go out to battle (2 Sam 11:1). Had he established proper guardrails, the naked woman named Bathsheba might have never caught his eye, and even if she did, he may have dealt with the temptation differently.

Again, cultivating a fear of our own capacity to sin is a corollary of cultivating a healthy fear of the Lord. Apart from the restraining grace of God, we’re not beyond any sin, sexual or otherwise, which brings us right back to where this section started: cultivating humility.

Diagnostic Questions:

1. When you hear the phrase “the fear of the Lord,” what comes to mind?

2. How might fear of the Lord help you in your pursuit of purity?

3. What practical steps can you take to cultivate “good, healthy” fear—fear of the Lord and fear of our capacity to sin?

4. Are there certain sins you feel are beyond you? If so, which sins and why? In what ways are you different from those who commit those sins?

5. Guardrails aren’t necessary everywhere—only where danger exists. What guardrails have you placed in your life to keep you from driving over a cliff?

Help Share My “Struggle” Book with Pastors?

I wrote the book Struggle Against Porn because I was frustrated—but probably not for the reasons you’d think. My main frustration was me.

Whether in college ministry or in a local church, I’ve often found myself meeting with guys who struggle with lust and pornography. I’d go into these meetings wanting to be helpful, but I’d leave frustrated. I’d want to share truth and hope and encouragement and strategies to win the war, but I’d flounder. I’m not sure I’d use the phrase “pastoral malpractice,” but that’s what it started to feel like. Eventually this frustration gave rise to a few years of reading and writing and thinking about how to help men struggle against pornography. Out of the research came the short book Struggle Against Porn: 29 Diagnostic Tests for Your Head and Heart.

Giving the “Struggle” Book to Pastors

Next week on October 8–9, church leaders from our denomination will gather for a conference (info here). My church belongs to the Evangelical Free Church of America (EFCA), which is broken up into 17 different districts. The Eastern District—the district I’m a part of—has our annual conference. If you’ve been following my blog for the last few months, then you’ve heard me talk about my ordination exam, which takes place on the first day of the conference.

I’ve been working with those in leadership to find a way to give my book to all 260 conference attendees. I asked the publisher to lower the price, which they did. My district office helped offset some of the costs, as did another generous donor. I’ve covered the rest with my own money. It costs about $7 per book to give them away. If you’d consider buying a book for a pastor, that would help a ton. The total cost was just under $2,000, and I’m a few hundred short or about 70 books. You can donate by clicking the button below.

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But whether the cost gets covered or not, I couldn’t be more excited to help other pastors as they help men walk with God in joy and purity.

A Note from Our Church District Superintendent

We’re placing each book in an envelope for the purpose of discretion. The cover of the book, which I had nothing to do with, is obnoxiously unambiguous. Yes, I said that about my own book. Trust me, no one ever reads this book at Starbucks. But on the front of the envelope, we’ve printed a note from the leader of our district, Eddie Cole. Here’s what he wrote.

Dear Church Leader:

We all know there are too many challenges facing our people for us to become experts on every issue. Sexual sin is one of those issues. It affects all of our churches and many of our leaders and volunteers. Some of our people have an occasional, low-grade struggle with pornography. For others, their struggle is persistent and acute. Both need the good news of the grace of God applied to their hearts with pastoral care.

By ourselves, we can’t be everything to everyone, which is why we often say we are better together—as a district and a national movement. At this year’s conference we’re excited to give away a book written by one of our own district pastors. It’s a book to help men struggle proactively against pornography, not struggle passively with it. We hope this resource helps you as you help others walk faithfully with God.

Sincerely,

Eddie Cole
Eastern District Superintendent of the EFCA

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* all donations are not tax refundable.

Jumpstart Your Struggle Against Porn

Over the last 12 years of Christian ministry, I’ve had an abiding frustration—but perhaps the frustration will surprise you. Whether in college ministry or in a local church, I’ve often found myself meeting with guys who struggle with lust and pornography. And I go into these meetings wanting to be helpful, but I leave frustrated. But probably not for the reasons you think. My main frustration was me.

I’d want to share truth and hope and encouragement and strategies to win the war, but I’d flounder. I’m not sure I’d use the phrase “pastoral malpractice,” but that’s what it was starting to feel like.

Eventually this frustration gave rise to a few years of reading and writing and thinking about how to help men struggle against pornography. And out of the research came a short book. And out of the book has come this very short video series.

I call it “jumpstart,” because it’s not designed to fix everything about everything. But the ten, short videos are designed to reignite your pursuit of joy in God and purity. I’d love for you to check them out.

Also included with the videos is a free ebook called 50 Questions for Accountability Meetings, which gives you tons of questions to consider as you struggle against lust and pornography.

* The video series is based off the book Struggle Against Porn: 29 Diagnostic Tests for Your Head and Heart (Amazon).

Next Week My Book “Struggle Against Porn” Launches

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After a ton of research, writing, and re-writing (and then a lot more re-writing!), my book to help men struggle against pornography is finally ready to launch next week. The title is Struggle Against Porn: 29 Diagnostic Tests for Your Head and Heart.

I wrote the book because many men struggle with porn but only a few struggle against it. And there’s a huge difference between the two.

Look at it like this. If something were wrong with your car, you’d bring it into an auto shop for inspection. The first thing the mechanic would do is hook your car up to a computer for a diagnostic checkup. In a similar way, Struggle Against Porn is designed to be a diagnostic checkup for your head and your heart. Through biblical reflection and more than one hundred questions for personal and group discussion, my goal in writing this book is to help men battle against sexual sin—to slay lust and cultivate love.

Below is the table of contents. I’d love for you to consider buying a copy when it launches.

*      *     *

FOREWORD by Greg Strand

INTRODUCTION: AGAINST NOT WITH

PART I: FOUNDATIONS

1. “Verily, Verily, I Say unto Thee, Ye Must Be Born Again”
2. Believe Sexual Sin Is Wrong and Cultivate a Hatred of It
3. Fight for Superior Joys
4. Recognize the Grave Danger
5. Run like the Wind
6. Make It Personal: The Women Are Real Image Bearers

PART II: CROSS-TRAINING

7. Cultivate Humility
8. Plant the Bible in the Soil of Your Heart
9. Don’t Avoid Conflict; Engage It
10. Run from and Become Indifferent to Flattery
11. Be Intoxicated with Your Wife
12. Avoid “Dude Talk”
13. Cultivate the Fear of the Lord

PART III: THE NITTY-GRITTY

14. Stop (S-T-O-P!) Masturbating
15. Don’t Be Alone with Sexual Temptation
16. Pursue Deep, Gospel Friendships
17. Only Have Computers (Including Tablets and Smartphones) in Public Areas
18. Install Accountability Software on All Devices
19. Cut Off All Access to Sexually Stimulating Media
20. Know Your Situational and Emotional Triggers; Take Precautions Accordingly
21. Use Visual Smelling Salts to Resist Sexual Sin
22. Share the Existence of the Struggle with Your Wife
23. Go to Bed When Your Wife Goes to Bed
24. Communicate Your Sexual Needs to Your Wife
25. Treat the Sexual Needs of Your Wife as More Important Than Your Own
26. As Needed, Seek Professional Help

PART IV: A BRIGHT FUTURE

27. Become a Passionate Teacher and a Spiritual Father
28. Understand the Lord’s Discipline as His Training of the Sons He Dearly Loves
29. Whatever You Do, Don’t Stop Serving Jesus

CONCLUSION: ONE MAN, TWO STORIES

NOTES

* Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

The Story of a Book: Struggle Against...

Nearly 1,000 days ago, there was a men’s breakfast at our church. I didn’t expect much more from the breakfast than to eat bacon, drink coffee, and chat with a few men from our church. I was wrong.

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The leader of the devotional that morning talked about the struggle with pornography—why it was bad and what to do about it. As a pastor of a local church, I had known for some time that I needed to do better at helping the men in our church in this area, but until then, I hadn’t done anything about it. So I was glad he took the risk.

When the speaker was finished, men asked questions. I raised my hand and said,

“Let’s say there is someone here this morning who believes everything you just said—he believes lust and pornography are wrong and that God wants better for us—but he isn’t sure what practical steps to take so that he can fight against this sin.”

Then I asked, “What are a few practical steps you might tell this person so he can better struggle against pornography?”

The leader said something like, “Well, there are a number of men here this morning who might be able to comment on that.” Then he looked around the room and said, “Guys, what are practical things you’ve found helpful in the struggle against pornography?”

What followed for the next half hour was suggestion after suggestion on practical tips to fight against pornography. I typed notes on my phone as fast as my thumbs could go. That afternoon I texted some friends who might be able to add to the list of practical steps. And they did. Lot’s of suggestions poured in by text and email.

That day was 969 days ago, the summer of 2016.

I never planned to write a book about what I learned. But that’s what happened. That men’s breakfast was the day that I first began writing what would become, Struggle Against Porn: 29 Diagnostic Tests for Your Head and Heart.

If I did have aspirations to write a book, it was only for a booklet, that is, something I might be able to use as a reference in counseling sessions. But the booklet kept expanding, eventually outgrowing the need for the ending “let.”

Still, I only expected to use the book in our local church. When I hired Russell Meek as an editor, he told me the book was better than I had realized and that I should consider publishing it, which I had previously not considered. So Russ and I passed it around and eventually got a yes. (Thank you, Russ!) Rainer Publishing offered me my first book contract. That was 596 days ago, the summer of 2017.

I worked on the book for a year and turned in the completed manuscript along with endorsements on July 9, 2018, which is 254 days ago. That’s almost 2 years to the day since the men’s breakfast triggered the writing process.

As an aside, if you’re getting the sense that books take time to write and publish, you’re right. It’s a slow process.

But that process is almost complete. A few days ago the publisher sent me the final draft of the book cover.

It shouldn’t be long now before you can buy it. And when the publisher releases the book, I hope and pray that it serves the church well by supplying a fuller answer to my question over 3 years ago: What does it look like for a Christian to be proactive in his struggle against pornography?

Porn: The Killer of Missions

I’d love to share with you an interview I recently did on a podcast about the topic of pornography and how to struggle against it. The Missions Podcast is hosted by Scott Dunford and Alex Kocman, who both work for ABWE, an international missions organization. Scott has also been one of the pastor-elders at our church for the last few years and has become a good friend.

You can listen to the podcast on iTunes, Stitcher, or Google Play. Or you can simply listen below.

One thing to note: A few times in the interview we reference my new book about this topic. Well, it’s so “new” that it’s not even out yet! Bummer. Please be patient and stay tuned. It’s in the publication process now!

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Here’s what Alex wrote for an intro to our conversation:

In our culture, sexual temptation is hitting the church like a tidal wave, and those serving overseas as missionaries are far from immune. Porn is a fatal undercurrent that Satan uses to eliminate gospel workers sniper-style and cripple missions efforts, and overseas workers separated from accountability and friends are particularly vulnerable.

What factors drive a person in full-time ministry to pornography for comfort, control, or stress relief—and what gospel hope is there for someone struggling? This week we sat down in-studio with Benjamin Vrbicek, teaching pastor at Community Evangelical Free Church in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania and author of the upcoming book Struggle Against Porn: 29 Diagnostic Tests for Your Head and Heart.

* Photo by Tom Ritson on Unsplash

Among Those Shadowy Brides

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Pastor and author John Piper has said the closest he ever came to being fired from his long tenure as pastor of Bethlehem Baptist Church was when he wrote an article entitled “Missions and Masturbation.”

Provocative title, huh?

The article was birthed out of the sadness he felt over so many people, young people especially, who “were being lost in the cause of Christ’s mission because they were not taught how to deal with the guilt of sexual failure.”

Piper’s article was published in 1984, which was 34 years ago! A lot has changed since then.

But at the same time, a lot hasn’t changed. Piper’s concern that many people were being lost to the mission of Christ because they didn’t know how to deal with the guilt and shame that came from their sexual failure is still relevant. Sexual sin, and its associated guilt and shame, are just as prevalent, if not more so.

Nearly 30 years before Piper wrote his article, C. S. Lewis wrote about the topic of masturbation in a letter to a friend, which must have been very taboo at the time. In fact, it seems the recipient of the letter, Keith Masson, had asked Lewis about several matters related to sexual ethics, believing that a frank discussion would be helpful to young people. And I agree; being frank, without being crass, is what is needed.  

Here’s what C. S. Lewis wrote,

For me the real evil of masturbation would be that it takes an appetite which, in lawful use, leads the individual out of himself to complete (and correct) his own personality in that of another (and finally in children and even grandchildren) and turns it back: sends the man back into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary brides.

And this harem, once admitted, works against his ever getting out and really uniting with a real woman. For the harem is always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no real woman can rival. Among those shadowy brides he is always adored, always the perfect lover: no demand is made on his unselfishness, no mortification ever imposed on his vanity. In the end, they become merely the medium through which he increasingly adores himself. . . . And it is not only the faculty of love which is thus sterilized, forced back on itself, but also the faculty of imagination. (C. S. Lewis, The Collected Letters of C. S. Lewis, Volume 3: Narnia, Cambridge, and Joy, 1950–1963, ed. Walter Hooper (New York: HarperCollins, 2007), 758–59.

Notice the severe contrast Lewis sets forth between the biblical vision of sexuality and the distorted one that occurs in masturbation: not self-less giving but selfish taking; not loving another but lusting for one’s self; not a place of life-giving effort but the lazy way of ease. Lewis calls this life of the imagination “among these shadowy brides” a thing that leads a man “into the prison of himself.” This, at least in part, is the slavery from which Piper wanted to protect young men and women. Indeed, it is the slavery from which Jesus wants to save us.

In pastoral ministry I’ve seen too many men locked inside this prison. This is why I’ve spent the last two years laboring to write a book that marshals every God-given resource available to help men struggle against sexual sin. Just yesterday I sent an edited copy of the book back to the publisher. Soon they will send me a preview draft of the interior layout. After that comes the cover design. And after that, it will be available to the world.

Please pray for me. Pray for all of us.

* Photo by Aaron Mello on Unsplash

15 Articles to Help You in Your Struggle Against Porn

I’m slowly winding down the research for my book on pornography (forthcoming with Rainer Publishing late in 2018). And over the last two weeks, I read dozens and dozens of blog posts about the topic written by Christian authors. I even printed them out and scribbled notes in the margins. The word count total for the articles was 105k, or about the size of two non-fiction books.

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Below are my favorite 15 articles. I chose them based on some combination of profundity (e.g., Russell Moore’s about the connection between video games and porn) and beautiful prose (e.g., both posts by Samuel James). A few others I include because they address some aspect of the struggle often not covered (e.g., Jason DeRouchie’s about masturbation; Rebekah Hannah’s and Ashley Peterson’s about women using pornography; and John Fort’s about when your children tell you they have seen pornography).

I read articles from many different websites, but the below articles are from Desiring God (6), The Gospel Coalition (2), Tim Challies (2), BradHambrick.com (2), For The Church (1), The Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission (1), and Covenant Eyes (1).

I hope you find them helpful as we struggle against porn, not with it.

“I Hate Porn”
by Eric Simmons (Desiring God)

“Fake Love, Fake War: Why So Many Men Are Addicted to Internet Porn and Video Games”
by Russell Moore (Desiring God)

“Sexual Sin in the Ministry”
by Harry Schaumburg (Desiring God)

“How to Fight Addiction in a Pornographic Culture”
by Voddie Baucham (Desiring God)

“If Your Right Hand Causes You to Sin: Ten Biblical Reflections on Masturbation”
by Jason DeRouchie (Desiring God)

“The Fearful and Wonderful Art of Flirting: Seven Warnings for the Digital Age”
by Tony Reinke (Desiring God)

“Women Use Porn Too”
by Rebekah Hannah (The Gospel Coalition)

“I Was a Pastor Hooked on Porn”
by Garrett Kell (The Gospel Coalition)

“Sex on the Silver Screen”
by Tim Challies (Challies.com)

“Sex on the Silver Screen – Outsourcing our Depravity”
by Tim Challies (Challies.com)

“19 Possible Motive-Triggers for Pornography”
by Brad Hambrick (BradHambrick.com)

“Teacups and Playboy: Women and Sexual Sin”
by Ashley Peterson (BradHambrick.com)

“The One Ring and Pornography”
by Samuel James (For The Church)

“Tinder Mercies–Or, How Porn Destroyed Sex”
by Samuel James (The Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission)

“How to React the First Time Your Child Admits Watching Porn”
by John Fort (Covenant Eyes)

Do you have a favorite post not listed above? If so, let me know in the comments below. 

* Photo by Marjan Grabowski on Unsplash.

The 50-Week Plan to Finish My Book on Pornography

I was listening to a podcast the other day and heard a musician say one of the most practical things an artist can do to achieve a goal is “going public” with the goal. The pastor who was interviewing the musician mentioned that he agreed, saying deadlines and outside expectations are a good thing for creativity. He added, “If there wasn’t Sunday, I’d never complete a sermon” (Pastor Colin Smith interviewing musician Dave Radford on Readers and Writers).

Here I stand; I’m going public with my goal. I’ve never written a book for a publisher, but this summer I signed a contract to do just that. It’s a book to help men struggle against (not with) pornography. And—Lord willing—by June 25, 2018, I’ll complete the draft of the manuscript.

So what’s the best plan to get ‘er done?

I’m not actually sure what is “the best” way forward. I’m making this up as I go. But below is where the project seems to be trending.

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I realize this post won’t interest 90% of my readers, but, as I said above, apparently telling people I’m going to do something is supposed to actually help me do it. Thanks for the peer pressure.

Skimming the 50-week schedule, you’ll notice three things. First, I had already done a lot of research, but not as deep or as wide as is necessary (see Weeks 13–24). Second, because I had already written the book, and it was too long, I need to take out 35% of the words (see Week 25 & 26). Finally, you’ll notice there are numerous breaks where I’m not actively working on the project. Those are strategic too. They provide rest and perspective (you can’t see you the book’s faults when your nose is pressed against it).

If you read any part of this blog post, “thank you” in advance for being your brother’s keeper.

*     *     *

June 17, 2017
Week 1 | Draft of manuscript accepted by publisher; contract signed

July 24 to October 2, 2017
[Week 2 | Take a break from project to work on another book]
[Week 3 | Take a break from project to work on another book]
[Week 4 | Take a break from project to work on another book]
[Week 5 | Take a break from project to work on another book]
[Week 6 | Take a break from project to work on another book]
[Week 7 | Take a break from project to work on another book]
[Week 8 | Take a break from project to work on another book]
[Week 9 | Take a break from project to work on another book]
[Week 10 | Take a break from project to work on another book]
[Week 11 | Take a break from project to work on another book]
[Week 12 | Take a break from project to work on another book]

October 9, 2017
Week 13 | Restart working on this book; read 2 more books on the topic of sexuality
Week 14 | Read 2 more books on the topic of sexuality
Week 15 | Read 2 more books on the topic of sexuality
Week 16 | Read 2 more books on the topic of sexuality
Week 17 | Read 2 more books on the topic of sexuality
Week 18 | Read 2 more books on the topic of sexuality
Week 19 | Read 2 more books on the topic of sexuality
Week 20 | Read 2 more books on the topic of sexuality
Week 21 | Read 2 more books on the topic of sexuality
Week 22 | Read 2 more books on the topic of sexuality
Week 23 | Read 25 blog posts on the topic of sexuality
Week 24 | Read 25 blog posts on the topic of sexuality

January 1 to 29, 2018
Week 25 | Cut down word count by 10,000 words because my previous draft was too long
Week 26 | Cut down word count by another 5,000 words
Week 27 | Rewrite, general
Week 28 | Rewrite, general (cont.)
Week 29 | Rewrite, general (cont.)

February 5, 2018
Week 30 | Send to a professional editor

February 12 to 19, 2018
Week 31 | Send networking email to authors I cite in my book and others who have written on the topic
Week 32 | Send networking emails (cont.)

February 26, 2018
[Week 33 | Break for other projects]

March 5 to April 9, 2018
Week 34 | Manuscript returned from professional editor
Week 35 | Rewrite, general
Week 36 | Send copy to potential “foreword author”
Week 37 | Secure “foreword author”; send to and secure potential “blurb” writers”
Week 38 | Give to my copastor for review and comments
Week 39 | Give to 20 beta readers for review and comments

April 16 to May 21, 2018
[Week 40 | Break for other projects]
[Week 41 | Break for other projects]
[Week 42 | Break for other projects]
[Week 43 | Break for other projects]
[Week 44 | Break for other projects]
[Week 45 | Break for other projects]

May 28 to June 11, 2018
Week 46 | All feedback from copastor and beta readers due
Week 47 | General rewrites; also the foreword and all blurbs due
Week 48 | General rewrites (cont.); send foreword & blurbs to professional editor

June 18, 2017
Week 49 | Submit complete manuscript (including foreword & blurbs) to Rainer Publishing

June 25, 2018
Week 50 | Rest, because—Lord willing—the submittal of the project was completed one week early

* Photo by Estée Janssens on Unsplash.

NOT YET MARRIED by Marshall Segal (FAN AND FLAME Book Reviews)

On a cold January night in 2003, I was in Denver, Colorado, for a Campus Crusade winter conference. All the cool kids wore Abercrombie and had flip phones, and under the influence of Joshua Harris’s book about relationships, I had kissed dating goodbye.

After dinner that night, I spoke with a girl named Brooke about dating—I mean courting—and whether God had marriage in our future. He did, and we’ve been married for a dozen years.

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A lot has changed in the last 15 years. Crusade is now Cru. Having a flip phone might be cool, but in a retro kind of way. Yet for all the changes, much stays the same. Whether you call it dating or courting or something else, the “way of a man with a young woman” (as Proverbs puts it) is still a beautiful, mysterious thing, like a ship sailing across the sea (Prov. 30:18–19).

But like the high seas, dating can be dangerous, leaving people with bitter and broken hearts.

Christian Living and Christian Dating

That’s why I’m thankful for Marshall Segal’s new book, Not Yet Married: The Pursuit of Joy in Singleness and Dating. Segal, staff writer and managing editor for desiringGod.org, is newly married, but he isn’t just another married guy telling singles what to do. “I wrote a lot of this book, and learned almost all of the lessons before I married my wife,” he explains, establishing his singleness credentials (16).

Not Yet Married has two parts. The first is “the not-yet-married life.” Here Segal channels many of Desiring God’s hallmark themes—passion and purpose, joy in mission, and the glory of God—and applies them to singleness. In the second part, “when the not-yet-married meet,” he deals with the particulars of Christian dating.

*     *     *

[To read the rest of this post, visit The Gospel Coalition.]

I Signed a Book Contract

I mentioned I was going to take a month off from blogging. We just had a baby, and I need a break—and sleep! But I’m breaking my promise to share a quick update, although I’m not convinced this post technically counts as a full return to writing blog posts!

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Regardless, I’m posting to let people know that yesterday I signed a book contract. This is a first for me. The book is with Rainer Publishing. They publish short books aimed at helping the local church.

The premise of the book is that many churchgoing men have a struggle with pornography. But few struggle against pornography. My book will equip Christian men to fight against it.

I’ve written about this before, and I suspect you’ll hear more from me on this topic! The manuscript is due next summer, and the book should, Lord willing, come out in the fall of 2018. Please be praying for me. Also, please send the names of your favorite books and blog posts on the topic. Feel free to share them in the comment section or by email.

It’s way too early to gather a “launch team” to help with book promotion. But if that’s something you’re interested in, well, hang on for a year! I’d love to have your help then!

[Picture by Mark Solarski / Unsplash]