Conquer Lust During the COVID-19 Lockdown (and a Free Audiobook)
Thoughts to help you avoid lust during the COVID-19 lockdown.
Last year in April, I launched my book Struggle Against Porn: 29 Diagnostic Tests for Your Head and Heart. I wrote it to help men struggle against lust, not with it.
Recently the publisher of the audiobook (One Audiobooks) allowed me to give away free copies of the audiobook. You can get them here. You’ll have to put in your email address and listen from the publisher’s website—but, hey, it’s still a free audiobook.
The COVID-19 lockdown creates many opportunities to trigger your lust. Below is a chapter from the book to help you overcome temptation. What are you doing to stay vigilant?
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CHAPTER 20
Know Your Situational and Emotional Triggers; Take Precautions Accordingly
A friend of mine recently mentioned to me that when he moved across the country to start a new job, besides the stress from the move and new job, he also experienced unrelated financial pressures and a personal tragedy. “The desire to escape to fantasy,” he told me, “was strong.”
His point was porn is not the problem, not really. Our hearts crave understanding, acceptance, intimacy, empowerment, and celebration. Often we are tempted toward fantasy because we are not experiencing these things in our own life. Being aware of these deficits is key to fighting lust. This is especially true when we experience, as my friend did, a transition or crisis, which commonly triggers lust.
During these times there are often situations and emotions that may make it harder to combat lust. In other words, there are certain things that pull the pin of your sexual grenade. These triggers do not cause immediate detonations, but they make damage nearly inevitable; it’s only a matter of time. Perhaps it’s a trigger for you to lie alone in bed on a Saturday morning when you’ve nothing else to do. Or maybe it’s traveling alone on business trips. You’re tired from travel, you miss your home, and television is a way to escape and experience fantasy. For others it’s working out at a certain gym.
We need to know our situational temptations and take precautions accordingly. When the alarm clock goes off, force yourself off the bed and out of the bedroom. To accomplish this, it might mean scheduling something early on Saturday mornings so you’re not idle in the first place. If work gets out of control, find healthy release. If your gym is a problem, buy some dumbbells for your basement.
For me, in those seasons where sexual activity in my marriage has been less frequent—whether because of my own health challenges with severe food allergies or because of my wife’s pregnancies or some other reason—I’ll occasionally have a wet dream. The desire to masturbate the next morning is strong. I know this now and can pray accordingly.
Nevertheless, triggers aren’t merely situational; they’re emotional too, often primarily so. Emotions such as stress can build up a desire for calm and release. When we’re hungry for advancement at work or some other change in our life situation, we get antsy and yearn to feel powerful and in control. When we are anxious, we feel like we’re failing at something. When we are angry, perhaps it is because our pride was wounded. When we’re lonely, sexual sin looks like a shortcut to companionship. When we’re bored, we want something new and exciting. When we’re just plain tired, our defenses are down.
Some triggers will be impossible to avoid, but as you experience them, fight to believe the promises of God even as you learn to recognize the false promises of sin, especially when they begin to whisper. Because by the time they’re shouting, they’ll be leading you to the “promised land”—and it’s often too late.
Whatever your triggers, whether they’re emotional or situational, the issue is the same: sin promises to be our savior. Sin promises to be the answer for boredom, the salve for our wounded ego. Sin promises to provide stability and a sense of control when everything else feels transient. Sin promises rest by streams of clear water when life is stressful. Sin points to the forbidden tree, the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, saying, “Look, here’s the real tree of life.” But sin always promises more than she can deliver.
Instead of looking to sin when the waters of life are drowning you, look to the one who redeems you and calls you by name (Isa 43:1–3). He has shoulders of steel and the gospel of grace.
Diagnostic Questions:
Right now, are you experiencing life transitions or crises that are tempting you to escape into sinful fantasy?
What are your situational triggers? What can you do to prevent them from “pulling your pin”? If you don’t know what they are, pray about it and ask God to show you. Also, consider keeping a mental or written log to track when you have looked at porn so that you can identify commonalities.
What are your emotional triggers? Hunger, anxiety, anger, loneliness, fatigue, boredom? If you’re not sure, pray and think it over.
Sexual sin promises to be the savior of these emotions, but how is sin a disappointing savior? In what ways does the real Savior, the real gospel message, offer better salvation?
* Photo by Stijn Swinnen on Unsplash
A Video Series for Men
I created a 10-day video series to help men struggle against porn. Also included with the videos is a free ebook called 50 Questions for Accountability Meetings, which gives you tons of questions to consider as you struggle against lust and pornography.
Cultivate the Fear of the Lord: The “Struggle” Audiobook Is Available
The audiobook of Struggle Against Porn launched this week.
In the spring my book Struggle Against Porn: 29 Diagnostic Tests for Your Head and Heart was published by Rainer Publishing. The audiobook is finally available for purchase. David K. Martin did a fantastic job narrating the book.
You can buy the audiobook at Amazon and Audible and soon at Hoopla, Overdrive, and ChristianAudio.
The sample listed with the audiobook comes from Chapter 13 of the book: “Cultivate the Fear of the Lord.” Below is the text of that chapter and a way to listen. I’d love for you to check out the book.
Thanks,
Benjamin
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Chapter 13: Cultivate the Fear of the Lord
This part of the book (Cross-Training) began with the admonition to cultivate humility. Now I’ll close with the admonition to cultivate the fear of the Lord.
We often assume fear is a negative thing, which it can be. Christians shouldn’t live with the fear that God doesn’t love us. At the core of the gospel is the propitiation of God’s wrath. Any and all wrath that ought to have fallen on sinners like us was averted from God’s children and placed on Jesus (Rom 3:21–26). Therefore, we’ve nothing left to fear; the price has been paid, and the punishment has been absorbed by the Lamb of God. As John writes, “There is no fear in love but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love” (1 John 4:18).
However, we ought to cultivate a healthy fear of the Lord. Proverbs maintains that fear is the beginning of wisdom (1:7; 9:10). When I speak of healthy fear, I mean the fear of disappointing God. I mean awe at the splendor of his majesty and wonder over his creative power. I mean reverence in response to his wrath and his justice. I mean astonishment over his loving-kindness, which has been lavished upon us in the gospel. As the apostle Paul writes, “Since we have these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from every defilement of body and spirit, bringing holiness to completion in the fear of God” (2 Cor 7:1).
We also ought to cultivate a fear of our own capacity to sin. Apart from the restraining grace of God, we’re not beyond committing any sin (Gen 20:6). It might seem ridiculous to you that someday you would view porn on five Internet browsers at the same time, but it’s not beyond you. If you’re familiar with the Lord of the Rings novels, you’ve seen this concept dramatized. The characters who have the greatest respect for the power of the ring and the greatest fear of how they themselves might abuse it become the safest and most helpful to the cause (Gandalf, Aragorn, and Galadriel). On the other hand, those who are the most overconfident in their own incorruptible ability become a threat (Boromir).
This truth became clear to me during an event in college. The man who discipled me also met regularly with one of the athletic coaches who was investigating Christianity. One day he told me this coach was having trouble becoming a Christian because of all the shame he felt from “real sins.” By this, I think he meant things that so-called good Christians would never do. I remember my friend looked at me and asked, “Take stealing, for example. When was the last time you stole something?”
I said, “I dunno.” And then the conversation moved on to other things.
The very next day, as I was munching on the sausage pizza I’d just stolen, I remembered our conversation. No, I hadn’t just robbed a Dominos, but I did make an on-campus “lunch and learn” a “loot and leave.”
Though I see the point about “real sins,” I also believe we all need to be more afraid of our own capacity to sin. We need guardrails to keep ourselves from veering and driving off a dangerous cliff.
For example, it’s sometimes necessary as a pastor to have a private conversation with a woman. But when I do, I’m always very careful to have other people around. When I email women, I keep my tone formal. When my wife and I go on a date, if our babysitter is a female teenager who doesn’t drive, I’ll never be the one to drive her home.
To some, these measures may seem like overkill or paranoia but taking no precautions would be assuming I’m more spiritual than King David. Many issues led David to be alone on a roof at the time when kings were supposed to go out to battle (2 Sam 11:1). Had he established proper guardrails, the naked woman named Bathsheba might have never caught his eye, and even if she did, he may have dealt with the temptation differently.
Again, cultivating a fear of our own capacity to sin is a corollary of cultivating a healthy fear of the Lord. Apart from the restraining grace of God, we’re not beyond any sin, sexual or otherwise, which brings us right back to where this section started: cultivating humility.
Diagnostic Questions:
When you hear the phrase “the fear of the Lord,” what comes to mind?
How might fear of the Lord help you in your pursuit of purity?
What practical steps can you take to cultivate “good, healthy” fear—fear of the Lord and fear of our capacity to sin?
Are there certain sins you feel are beyond you? If so, which sins and why? In what ways are you different from those who commit those sins?
Guardrails aren’t necessary everywhere—only where danger exists. What guardrails have you placed in your life to keep you from driving over a cliff?
The 50-Week Plan to Finish My Book on Pornography
I have one year to finish this book. Here’s my plan.
I was listening to a podcast the other day and heard a musician say one of the most practical things an artist can do to achieve a goal is “going public” with the goal. The pastor who was interviewing the musician mentioned that he agreed, saying deadlines and outside expectations are a good thing for creativity. He added, “If there wasn’t Sunday, I’d never complete a sermon” (Pastor Colin Smith interviewing musician Dave Radford on Readers and Writers).
Here I stand; I’m going public with my goal. I’ve never written a book for a publisher, but this summer I signed a contract to do just that. It’s a book to help men struggle against (not with) pornography. And—Lord willing—by June 25, 2018, I’ll complete the draft of the manuscript.
So what’s the best plan to get ‘er done?
I’m not actually sure what is “the best” way forward. I’m making this up as I go. But below is where the project seems to be trending.
I realize this post won’t interest 90% of my readers, but, as I said above, apparently telling people I’m going to do something is supposed to actually help me do it. Thanks for the peer pressure.
Skimming the 50-week schedule, you’ll notice three things. First, I had already done a lot of research, but not as deep or as wide as is necessary (see Weeks 13–24). Second, because I had already written the book, and it was too long, I need to take out 35% of the words (see Week 25 & 26). Finally, you’ll notice there are numerous breaks where I’m not actively working on the project. Those are strategic too. They provide rest and perspective (you can’t see you the book’s faults when your nose is pressed against it).
If you read any part of this blog post, “thank you” in advance for being your brother’s keeper.
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June 17, 2017
Week 1 | Draft of manuscript accepted by publisher; contract signed
July 24 to October 2, 2017
[Week 2 | Take a break from project to work on another book]
[Week 3 | Take a break from project to work on another book]
[Week 4 | Take a break from project to work on another book]
[Week 5 | Take a break from project to work on another book]
[Week 6 | Take a break from project to work on another book]
[Week 7 | Take a break from project to work on another book]
[Week 8 | Take a break from project to work on another book]
[Week 9 | Take a break from project to work on another book]
[Week 10 | Take a break from project to work on another book]
[Week 11 | Take a break from project to work on another book]
[Week 12 | Take a break from project to work on another book]
October 9, 2017
Week 13 | Restart working on this book; read 2 more books on the topic of sexuality
Week 14 | Read 2 more books on the topic of sexuality
Week 15 | Read 2 more books on the topic of sexuality
Week 16 | Read 2 more books on the topic of sexuality
Week 17 | Read 2 more books on the topic of sexuality
Week 18 | Read 2 more books on the topic of sexuality
Week 19 | Read 2 more books on the topic of sexuality
Week 20 | Read 2 more books on the topic of sexuality
Week 21 | Read 2 more books on the topic of sexuality
Week 22 | Read 2 more books on the topic of sexuality
Week 23 | Read 25 blog posts on the topic of sexuality
Week 24 | Read 25 blog posts on the topic of sexuality
January 1 to 29, 2018
Week 25 | Cut down word count by 10,000 words because my previous draft was too long
Week 26 | Cut down word count by another 5,000 words
Week 27 | Rewrite, general
Week 28 | Rewrite, general (cont.)
Week 29 | Rewrite, general (cont.)
February 5, 2018
Week 30 | Send to a professional editor
February 12 to 19, 2018
Week 31 | Send networking email to authors I cite in my book and others who have written on the topic
Week 32 | Send networking emails (cont.)
February 26, 2018
[Week 33 | Break for other projects]
March 5 to April 9, 2018
Week 34 | Manuscript returned from professional editor
Week 35 | Rewrite, general
Week 36 | Send copy to potential “foreword author”
Week 37 | Secure “foreword author”; send to and secure potential “blurb” writers”
Week 38 | Give to my copastor for review and comments
Week 39 | Give to 20 beta readers for review and comments
April 16 to May 21, 2018
[Week 40 | Break for other projects]
[Week 41 | Break for other projects]
[Week 42 | Break for other projects]
[Week 43 | Break for other projects]
[Week 44 | Break for other projects]
[Week 45 | Break for other projects]
May 28 to June 11, 2018
Week 46 | All feedback from copastor and beta readers due
Week 47 | General rewrites; also the foreword and all blurbs due
Week 48 | General rewrites (cont.); send foreword & blurbs to professional editor
June 18, 2017
Week 49 | Submit complete manuscript (including foreword & blurbs) to Rainer Publishing
June 25, 2018
Week 50 | Rest, because—Lord willing—the submittal of the project was completed one week early
* Photo by Estée Janssens on Unsplash.
I Signed a Book Contract
Yesterday I signed a book contract with Rainer Publishing to write a book that helps men struggle against pornography. I’m really excited. Here are the details.
I mentioned I was going to take a month off from blogging. We just had a baby, and I need a break—and sleep! But I’m breaking my promise to share a quick update, although I’m not convinced this post technically counts as a full return to writing blog posts!
Regardless, I’m posting to let people know that yesterday I signed a book contract. This is a first for me. The book is with Rainer Publishing. They publish short books aimed at helping the local church.
The premise of the book is that many churchgoing men have a struggle with pornography. But few struggle against pornography. My book will equip Christian men to fight against it.
I’ve written about this before, and I suspect you’ll hear more from me on this topic! The manuscript is due next summer, and the book should, Lord willing, come out in the fall of 2018. Please be praying for me. Also, please send the names of your favorite books and blog posts on the topic. Feel free to share them in the comment section or by email.
It’s way too early to gather a “launch team” to help with book promotion. But if that’s something you’re interested in, well, hang on for a year! I’d love to have your help then!
[Picture by Mark Solarski / Unsplash]
WHAT DOES THE BIBLE REALLY TEACH ABOUT HOMOSEXUALITY? by Kevin DeYoung (FAN AND FLAME Book Reviews)
Last week, my review of What Does the Bible Really Teach about Homosexuality? by Kevin DeYoung was published in the theological journal Themelios. DeYoung’s book is not only my favorite book on the topic, it’s also my favorite book of 2015.
Last week, my review of What Does the Bible Really Teach about Homosexuality? by Kevin DeYoung was published in Themelios: An International Journal for Students of Theological and Religious Studies (40.3, December 2015).
I was honored that it was published. DeYoung’s book is not only my favorite book on the topic, it’s also my favorite book of 2015.
Whether you agree with the traditional Christian understanding of sexuality or whether you disagree . . . whether you think you understand all of the issues or whether you are confused . . . you should read DeYoung’s book. I highly recommend it.
You can read the full review below, or you can find it on the Themelios website here and download the PDF here (my review is on pp. 180-181).
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Kevin DeYoung. What Does the Bible Really Teach about Homosexuality? Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2015. 160 pp. £7.99/$12.99.
My grandmother is theologically conservative, but she’s stayed in a denomination that has drifted. She wants to know. The barista at Starbucks who found out I’m a pastor wants to know. The young family who visited our church and talked to me in the foyer afterward wants to know. They all want to know what the Bible really teaches about homosexuality. Kevin DeYoung has written the book to answer their questions.
DeYoung is the senior pastor at University Reformed Church in East Lansing, MI and the author of several books, including Just Do Something, The Hole in Our Holiness, Taking God at His Word. In all of these books, DeYoung presents rich, complex doctrines—whether the will of God, sanctification, Scripture, or now sexuality—to a popular audience, and he does so in ways that are clear and compelling without being simplistic. In this current book, DeYoung affirms the traditional Christian understanding of sexuality and engages the most common objections to this view. The book is structured in two central parts, with an introduction at the start, and a conclusion and several appendices at the end.
In the introduction, DeYoung notes that questions related to homosexuality abound. “How can I minister to my friend now that he’s told me he’s attracted to men? Should I attend a same-sex wedding?” (p. 16). But his book is only about one question, at least directly. It’s the one question that Christians must answer before all of the others: According to the Bible, is homosexual practice a sin that needs to be forgiven and forsaken, or is it, under the right circumstances, a blessing that we should celebrate and solemnize? Readers familiar with DeYoung, or Crossway, won’t be surprised at his answer. He writes, “I believe same-sex sexual intimacy is a sin.” And then he adds, “Why I believe this is the subject of the rest of the book” (p. 17).
[To read the rest of the review, please visit Themelios (40.3, December 2015).]
RELATED POSTS
11 Resources on The Bible, Sexuality, and Homosexuality
Today, there are so many books being published about the Bible and sexuality, and especially about the Bible and homosexuality. In many ways, this is a good thing. But there is also a downside: it’s hard to know which books are the most helpful.
In May, our church spent two nights teaching on God’s design for sexual intimacy (here and here). We covered topics such as marriage, pornography, and homosexuality. In preparation, the two teaching pastors at our church (Jason Abbott and I) created the following list of our top eleven books on sexuality.
1. The Bible
We start here, because, well… it’s just the place to start. The key passages from God’s Word that deal with sex generally, as well as all of the passages that deal with homosexuality specifically, are as follows: Genesis 1-3; Genesis 19; Leviticus 18:22 & 20:13; Judges 19; Proverbs 5-7; The Song of Solomon; Romans 1:26-28; 1 Corinthians 6:9-11; and 1 Timothy 1:8-11. (This hyperlink is to the ESV Study Bible by Crossway. I’ve been using it for several years and have found it a very helpful resource for deep study of the Word.)
2. A Celebration of Sex by Dr. Douglas E. Rosenau
Sex is a good gift from God and this book celebrates it as such. As well, Dr. Rosenau addresses typical problems couples experience in marital intimacy, whether physical, emotional, relational, or spiritual. We wouldn’t recommend this book for anyone that isn’t currently married.
3. What Is The Meaning of Sex? by Denny Burk
This is a great book for believers who want to explore various questions about the ultimate purpose for sex. At the most fundamental level, Burk argues persuasively that human sexuality is intended to bring God glory. (See my book review here.)
4. The Mingling of Souls by Matt Chandler
This is an engaging study through The Song of Solomon. The book moves through dating, courting, marriage, and intimacy. Additionally, there is an excellent small group video series available.
5. What Does the Bible Really Teach About Homosexuality? by Kevin DeYoung
There are so many questions about homosexuality worthy of consideration, but this book answers the question that must be answered before any other questions can be appropriately broached. That question is this: according to the Bible, is homosexual practice a sin or (under the right circumstances) is it a blessing we should celebrate and solemnize? In this book, DeYoung affirms the traditional understanding and also engages the most common objections to this view.
6. Is God anti-gay? by Sam Allberry
This book explores what the Bible says about marriage, sexuality, and same-sex attraction. What is especially helpful in it is Allberry’s perspective on these matters. He is a pastor who experiences same-sex attraction yet is committed to living a celibate life in accordance with his understanding of the Bible. (See my book review here.)
7. Washed and Waiting by Wesley Hill
Like Allberry, Wesley Hill experiences same-sex attraction and, like Allberry, is committed to celibacy for the glory of God. However, Hill’s book is more of a personal memoir of his experience of growing up in the church and grappling with his sexuality. This book is especially helpful for those wanting to consider whether their church provides a healthy, gospel-centered atmosphere for those grappling with same-sex attraction. (See my book review here.)
8. The Bible and Homosexual Practice by Robert Gagnon
This book is for those who want to grapple with the question of homosexuality at a very academic level. Gagnon is perhaps the leading scholar on the Bible and homosexuality. Interestingly, even though he’s part of a denomination affirming homosexual marriage, he sees nothing in the Bible that would support that position. Consequently, he has been much maligned within his denomination for his writings on this topic.
9. Loving Homosexuals as Jesus Would by Chad Thompson
This is a practical book teaching us how we might love our homosexual friends. It is written by a former practicing homosexual.
10. Out of a Far Country by Christopher Yuan
This book is the moving personal story of Yuan’s conversion to Christianity. Like Wesley Hill and Sam Allberry, he’s same-sex attracted. It is also one of the best books available for thinking through why the church and Christians are often seen as enemies by the LGBT community. Yuan does an excellent job of helping believers rethink their approach to sharing the Gospel with LGBT friends, family, and acquaintances.
11. Porn-Again Christian by Mark Driscoll
This book, as the subtitle states, is “a frank discussion on pornography and masturbation.” It’s a book for men. You can Google it to download it as a free ebook or you can click here.
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IS GOD ANTI-GAY? & WASHED AND WAITING (FAN AND FLAME Book Reviews)
There has been a steady stream of books about homosexuality published in the last few years, but two in particular from evangelical authors have received a lot of attention. The two books I am speaking of are IS GOD ANTI-GAY? by Sam Allberry and WASHED AND WAITING by Wesley Hill. And they should receive attention; they are great books.
Sam Allberry. Is God anti-gay? And other questions about homosexuality, the Bible and same-sex attraction. United Kingdom: The Good Book Company, 2013. 88 pp. $7.99.
Wesley Hill. Washed and Waiting: Reflections on Christian Faithfulness and Homosexuality. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2010. 160 pp. $14.99.
There has been a steady stream of books about homosexuality published in the last few years, but two in particular from evangelical authors have received a lot of attention. The two books I am speaking of are Is God anti-gay? by Sam Allberry and Washed and Waiting by Wesley Hill. And they should receive attention; they are great books. Besides being great books, they also have many other things in common. For example, both books are short and evangelical. Additionally, they are written by Christian men who struggle with same-sex attraction, but yet—and this is so important—believe that God calls them to forsake acting on these feelings and to live celibate lives.
Maybe you can already see why they have received so much attention.
In this post, I am going to point out some of the strengths of each book. Then I am going to discuss one difference between the authors with respect to the terminology they use to describe their lingering homosexual feelings. Finally, I’ll offer a few comments about what Christians mean and don’t mean by “change.”
But before I do all of that, let me make a disclaimer: I am primarily writing this post for Christians that already hold to a traditional understanding of the Bible and sexuality. In other words, I’m not primarily writing this to convince the unconvinced.
Is God anti-gay? by Sam Allberry
Sam Allberry is the author of the first book, Is God anti-gay? And other questions about homosexuality, the Bible and same-sex attraction. He is a pastor in England and has also authored Connected: Living in Light of the Trinity. Here are a few of the strengths of his book.
First, Allberry includes the content of gospel message very early in the book (7-10), and he explains how this message changed his life. I consider this a great benefit because I suspect that many people who know very little about Christianity will be drawn in by the book’s provocative title. And speaking of starting with something, before Allberry dives into all of the Bible’s “Thou Shalt Not’s,” he first begins with God’s positive design for sex (13)—also very helpful.
Second, Allberry frequently, and helpfully, places the struggle with homosexual practice within the larger, general struggle with sin that is common to all followers of Christ (11-12). I mention this because too often in the church we tend to single out homosexual practice, even among other sexual sins. To a point, I understand why this is done, but it’s not entirely helpful either. Every prohibition against homosexual practice that’s in the Bible occurs in the context of a list of many different sins. That’s worth remembering.
Third, Allberry’s treatment of the biblical passages relating specifically to homosexuality is clear and compelling (25-38). I’m not saying that everyone who disagrees with the traditional view will be won over, but I am saying that a strong case is made for it.
Finally, the book is eminently practical for those that have objections and questions. Examples include things like the following: “Surely same-sex partnership is OK if it’s committed and faithful?” (39-40); “Jesus never mentions homosexuality, so how can it be wrong?” (40-41); “What are the main struggles for a homosexual Christian?” (54); and “My non-Christian friend has just told me they’re gay. How should I respond?” (74). These are real objections and real questions, and Allberry, with humility and grace, gives real answers.
Washed and Waiting by Wesley Hill
Wesley Hill is the author of the second book. The full title is Washed and Waiting: Reflections on Christian Faithfulness and Homosexuality. The title comes from two verses that Hill believes are foundational on this topic, namely, 1 Corinthians 6:11 (“You were washed”) and Romans 8:23 (“we wait eagerly”).
Hill completed his undergraduate degree at Wheaton College, and received a masters and PhD from Durham University in the UK. He is currently an Assistant Professor of Biblical Studies at Trinity School for Ministry just north of Pittsburgh, PA. His most recent book is Spiritual Friendship: Finding Love in the Church as a Celibate Gay Christian.
Comparing Washed and Waiting with Is God anti-gay? is a little like comparing the proverbial apples and oranges—sure there are a few similarities, but fundamentally they are just not the same. Let me share a few of the strengths of Hill’s book, and hopefully that will help you grasp how the two books are simultaneously similar and different.
First, the book reads much more like a memoir than all of the other books I have read on the topic of homosexuality. This is because, in many ways, it is just that—a memoir. In the book, Hill shares his own story, but also included are chapters on the lives of two other Christian authors who struggled with homosexual desires, namely, Henri Nouwen and Gerard Manley Hopkins (both now deceased).
In this way, Hill’s audience is rather specific. Up front, he tells readers, “I’m writing as one homosexual Christian for other homosexual Christians” (16). Perhaps that is a narrow market—a gay Christian writing for other gay Christians. However, the special, captivating power inherent to memoirs has most certainly expanded his audience. And by “special, captivating power,” I mean this: memoirs have a way of inviting believers (in this case, some who have homosexual desires, others who do not) to live vicariously in the struggles and victories of another saint, which is a wonderful and soul enlarging exercise.
Second, the prose of Washed and Waiting is beautiful. Hill has a strong command of language. Additionally, he fills his book with eclectic references to the arts in general and literature in particular. References to paintings, poems, plays, and prose are employed in the most natural of ways. For example, in every chapter expect to see quotations or allusions to a dozen authors, people like H.W. Auden, Gerard Manley Hopkins, Wendell Berry, William Shakespeare, J.R.R. Tolkien, Leo Tolstoy, Anne Lamott, and of course, C.S. Lewis; yes, lots of Lewis.
Finally, Washed and Waiting articulates the questions of broader culture that seem to clash with a traditional Christian understanding of sexuality, love, and “good news.” That these questions are given a voice will no doubt make some uncomfortable, especially because in just a few places it’s not always immediately clear whether these questions continue to be Hill’s questions (or only were his questions). However, the careful reader will see that in and around the questions and questioning, there is a deep sense that questions about homosexuality do have answers, and these answers are beautiful and biblical answers, which Hill himself affirms and loves.
One Difference between the Authors and Their Terminology
As I said above, these two books are similar in many ways, but fundamentally not the same. I hope you’ve gained a sense of this from the above discussion of their strengths. There is one difference, however, that would be helpful to point out explicitly. You may have already noticed it, but the difference has to do with the way terminology is used to describe on-going homosexual desires.
Sam Allberry tends to speak in terms of “same-sex attraction,” or especially with respect to Christians, in terms of “struggle with same-sex attraction.” You can see this reflected in the subtitle of his book (And other questions about homosexuality, the Bible and same-sex attraction). Wesley Hill, on the other hand, is far more comfortable continuing to use the terms gay and homosexual, although I should point out that Hill often qualifies the terms slightly by adding the word “celibate” (e.g. “a celibate gay Christian”).
For many, this difference is far more than a semantic one. Our understanding of what we believe to be the highest and most fundamental aspects of human identity is at stake. Allberry writes:
In western culture today the obvious term for someone with homosexual feelings is “gay.” But in my experience this often refers to far more than someone’s sexual orientation. It has come to describe an identity and a lifestyle. When someone says that they’re gay, or for that matter, lesbian or bisexual, they normally mean that, as well as being attracted to someone of the same gender, their sexual preference is one of the fundamental ways in which they see themselves.
And it’s for this reason that I tend to avoid using the term. It sounds clunky to describe myself as “someone who experiences same-sex attraction.” But describing myself like this is a way for me to recognize that the kind of sexual attractions I experience are not fundamental to my identity. They are part of what I feel but are not who I am in a fundamental sense. I’m far more than my sexuality. (10-11, emphasis original)
Do you hear what he is saying? Allberry argues that speaking of someone, specifically a Christian, as “gay” or “homosexual,” simply gives too much weight to just one aspect of what it means to be human, namely our sexuality. Sexuality is important, but biblically speaking a person’s sexuality is ancillary to who they are, not foundational and ultimate.
And what does Hill believe about all of this?
In fairness, I’m pretty sure he agrees with all of it. Yes, from the very beginning of his book he does use terms like “gay” and “homosexual,” or even “gay Christian” and “homosexual Christian,” but he also clarifies that he doesn’t mean what most might mean when using those terms. Let me quote him at length from pages 14-15:
My story is very different from the other stories told by people wearing the same designations—“homosexual Christian”—that I wear. Many in the church—more so in the mainline denominations than the evangelical ones… tell stories of “homosexual holiness.” The authors of these narratives profess a deep faith in Christ and claim a powerful experience of the Holy Spirit precisely in and through their homosexual practice…
My own story, by contrast, is a story of feeling spiritually hindered rather than helped by my homosexuality. Another way to say it would be to observe that my story testifies to the truth of the proposition the Christian church has held with almost total unanimity through the centuries—namely, that homosexuality was not God’s original creative intention for humanity, that it is, on the contrary, a tragic sign of human nature and relationships being fractured by sin, and therefore that homosexual practice goes against God’s express will for all human beings, especially those who trust in Christ. (14, emphasis original)
More sections from Washed and Waiting could be quoted to address terminology (especially on page 22), but the real question is this: why would Hill tend to speak this way?
I’ve listened to audio recordings where Hill answers this question explicitly. I’m thinking especially of a Q&A at a conference on human sexuality put on by the Evangelical Free Church of American where Hill was one of several keynote speakers (here). The answer to the question to why Hill speaks this way, in short, is this: to gain a hearing from those who would immediately tune him out if he telegraphed his traditional Christian moorings too soon with phrases like “same-sex attraction.” (And remember, in an above quote, Allberry admitted the phrase is a “chunky” one.)
As a pastor, I get this. As soon as I tell people that I am a pastor, the conversation invariably changes. To be aware of this dynamic does not necessarily mean that I am ashamed of my vocation or fearful of identifying myself as a follower of Jesus. I’m not ashamed or afraid. But I can say that in my own life I have learned that there can be a God-honoring motive in delaying the revelation that I’m a pastor. The same is true, I believe, for Hill. Using the terminology of a “gay Christian” is not a way to hide his Christian beliefs indefinitely, but rather a way to help them be heard.
Don’t Christians Change?
Before closing this issue of terminology, it might be helpful to back up and talk about what Christians mean and don’t mean by this word “change.” A few years ago, I remember talking with a mature Christian about this very issue. The person was initially very shocked and disturbed by the thought that there might be gay men and women who genuinely become Christians, but yet continue to struggle with same-sex attraction. This is a startling proposition, one that many Christians have never thought through before. “What—doesn’t becoming a Christian fix this?” some ask.
Well, yes, it does, but that depends on what you mean by “fix” and what you mean by “change.”
Christians most certainly do change, but this doesn’t mean people live with perfect obedience to Jesus right away or that temptations to sin disappear. Consider for a moment sins like pride, heterosexual lust, or explosive anger. Do these fall away immediately upon conversion to Christ, or even shortly thereafter? Sometimes, but not most of the time. And in some cases the temptations never go away.
It can be jarring the first time you think of homosexual feelings this way, that is, as something that might not go away, at least until Heaven. However, when we consider the specific struggle with same-sex attraction in the broader context of the struggle that Christians have with all sin (which both Allberry and Hill do so aptly), it begins to make more sense.
This is not to say that no one will ever experience a fundamental shift in their attractions to the extent that they marry someone of the opposite sex. This happens. If you’d like to read a helpful account of this, you can do so in the book The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert by Rosaria Butterfield. For Butterfield, it happened. And when this kind of change happens, we should praise God for it. However, we should also be willing to heartily acknowledge that God can be—and is!—glorified in the life-long struggle to reject sin on account of the surpassing worth of knowing Jesus Christ. This certainly is a type of “change,” even if the final outworking of the struggle is not completed until we are glorified.
Final Recommendations
For all of the similarities of these two books, I hope you can see that they are actually two very different, but very helpful, books.
If you are a person that is less familiar with the issues involved, especially the issues around the biblical texts, then I would suggest you first read Is God anti-gay? The book is more than a primer on the topic, but it is a least that. If, however, you are more familiar with the issues, and are looking for more of a narrative sweep, then I would suggest Washed and Waiting.
But my hope is that you won’t simply choose between them, but rather read them both.
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Reflections on The Bachelor
After nineteen seasons, I finally watched some of The Bachelor. And because I believe women should be held in honor, and because I believe sex is a gift from God, I won’t ever watch again.
Our kids were misbehaving last night, so they got sent to bed early. It probably was not the best use of our time but since my wife and I had extra, we decided to flip the on TV. Among a few other things, we watched twenty minutes of The Bachelor. I had heard about The Bachelor, but it wasn’t quite what I had imagined… it was far worse.
On last night’s episode, the protagonist and Iowa farmer Chris Soules, had already narrowed the women down from thirty to just three. Now he was to take each on a final date in the country of Bali. Pretty exotic, right? And with these last dates came the famous overnighters in the Fantasy Suites, of course fitted with votive candles, four-poster beds, and bathtubs filled with rose petals.
At first, for me, there was a humor to it all. I couldn’t take it seriously. As Whitney talked with Chris on a massive sailboat on the Indian Ocean, and the camera repeatedly offered close-ups of Chris as he listened to her drone on and on about her sister’s reservations about their potential marriage, I provided my own commentary for what Chris might have been thinking.
But the more I watched, the more painful it became. I kept thinking to myself, how is it that this show is tolerated by women? It’s so offensive to them!
I felt this all the more because just before The Bachelor, we caught a few minutes of an Oscar recap show, and several times we saw a clip of Patricia Arquette passionately appealing for wage equality for women, to which the crowd—especially a few prominent women—enthusiastically applauded. I understood Ms. Arquette to be making the point that women should be honored and treated fairly. I’m not a huge fan of the celebrity soapbox, but to me this sounded like a noble enough talking point, and apparently the audience thought so as well.
Why do I bring this up? Generally speaking there are healthy, although sometimes overdone, voices in culture rightly challenging all of us to treat women with dignity. Which is why, I say again, I can hardly believe a show like The Bachelor—a show that denigrates women and turns their beauty and sexuality into a competition—is tolerated.
But then I realized something: The Bachelor is not tolerated, it’s loved. Case in point: if you count all the various renditions, the show is in its nineteenth season.
As television shows do, before each commercial break, The Bachelor kept showing upcoming scenes hoping that viewers would keep watching. The particular teaser that was on repeat last night was a short clip of Becca, the third woman, explaining to Chris as they were about to enter the Fantasy Suite that she was a virgin.
I was done. I couldn’t take it.
It’s common to hear people speak as though we in the modern world have the moral high ground on those in the past, particularly those in what we might call “primitive” cultures. I’m thinking especially of our tendency to learn about strange, cultic sex practices in ancient cultures and think that we have improved morally. But when I watch The Bachelor and consider its popularity, I say no way. It would seem to me that we can be every bit as far from God’s design as those of the past. Our culture, like those of other eras, has a schizophrenic view of sex: we both over and under value it. We say sex has tremendous meaning, even an ultimate meaning for our lives. And at the same time we say it is meaningless—something cheap and casual.
But it’s not that I’m so upset with culture at large; that’s not where my confusion is mostly directed. What I cannot understand is the show’s popularity among Christian women.
Perhaps, however, some of my sisters in Christ will object: Benjamin, you can’t possibly tell the quality of a show by just watching twenty minutes.
Maybe. But what if you saw me in a public place, say a Starbucks, reading the latest edition of Sports Illustrated, which just so happens to be the swimsuit issue with its typically provocative and demeaning pictures. Would it be appropriate for someone to say to me, as a Christian man, that what I was doing was wrong? Or couldn’t I object and say, But you’re only judging by a quick glance and that’s not fair; there are some good articles in this.
Here’s the deal: sometimes you don’t need all the context. Sometimes it’s the whole context that lulls us to sleep. Sex is a gift from God. And as such, we ought not to overvalue it as though it were a god, but neither should we undervalue it either. After nineteen seasons, I’m glad I’ve only seen twenty minutes. And thankful they’ll be, God willing, my last.
[Image: Craig Sjodin/ABC, from The Washington Post]
A reflection from a recent wedding on a beautiful verse from the Song of Solomon.