I’ve not been one to complain that seminary didn’t teach me how to do this or that. My seminary experience was fantastic. Also, I didn’t expect to learn in seminary everything I’d ever need to know about the Bible and pastoral ministry. I expected my 106 graduate-level credits to give me the tools and character formation I needed to begin a lifetime of fruitful and faithful ministry in a local church. I certainly got that—and a whole lot more.

But one exception exits. When it comes to premarital counseling, I got diddly squat. At least as I remember it, we never charted what premarital counseling should look like for an engaged couple. I had to make that up from scratch the first time I walked a couple through the process. It’s a process I’ve continued to tweak for the last decade.

My wife and I typically do all the premarital counseling at our house in the evenings. Most years that’s four to seven couples, which means at least a few times a month (especially during the spring) we have an engaged couple over for dessert and counseling.

Across the engagement, our strategy has been to surface a half dozen or so topics of conversation. We try to pick areas of marriage, as we often repeat to the couple, that God wants to be awesome but are often difficult. We talk about roles and responsibilities, children, money, and a few others. During the final session, we talk about marital intimacy. It’s not my favorite topic because it stretches me so much, but the reasons why this is so would require another post.

Below are the talking points for the conversation about intimacy. I’ve cast them in the form of “myths,” which is to say that everything listed below is not true. We give the list to each couple, and for thirty to forty minutes my wife and I discuss why each statement is false, often adding a few reasons why God might have something better for married couples than the myth promises. Perhaps someday I’ll take the time to write what we talk about in more detail. For now, I’ll just share the outline.

 11 Myths about Marital Intimacy

1. The honeymoon is the zenith of ecstasy in a marriage; it’s all downhill after that.

2. Sexual desire and sexual arousal function in the same way for both men and women.

3. In the culture and in the church, sexual stereotypes for men and women are always accurate.

4. Your sex life is the most important aspect of your marriage.

5. Your sex life is unimportant in your marriage.

6. Good sex just sort of happens, even without communication.

7. Sex is equally good in all seasons of marriage.

8. Intimacy is unrelated to other aspects of marriage (trust, respect, bitterness, disappointment, stress, health, etc.)

9. Orgasm for the husband and wife will normally happen at the same time.

10. Orgasm, especially for the wife, will happen every time you have sex.

11. You will be the most fulfilled sexually when you primarily aim to please yourself.

* Photo by Morgan Lane on Unsplash