Are You as Connected to the Church as You Want to Be?
God wants more for pastors and church members than a mere exchange of goods and services. He wants love to flow both ways.
The apostle Paul pastored the church in Corinth, not out of a sense of obligation, but out of openness and love. “We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians; our heart is wide open,” he tells them.
Yet issues existed between them that he needed to address. “You are not restricted by us, but you are restricted in your own affections.” It seems something, or perhaps many things, had restricted their love from returning to Paul. So he pleads, “In return (I speak as to children) widen your hearts also” (2 Cor. 6:11–13).
Calling them children could sound demeaning, but Paul means it in an endearing way. In a previous letter, Paul told them, “For though you have countless guides in Christ, you do not have many fathers. For I became your father in Christ Jesus through the gospel” (1 Cor. 4:15). Paul loved them as a loving father. Despite the many bumps in their relationship, he wanted their hearts not to be restricted.
This may surprise people, but I have found that the biggest wet blanket in pastoral ministry is not people who leave our church with a big stink, making all kinds of noise after all kinds of meetings. I mean, I don’t love that. But vocal departures have the advantage of bringing clarity; they don’t leave me wondering if restrictions existed and, if so, what they were.
The biggest wet blanket in ministry, in my experience, is being ghosted; it’s when people quiet quit and just disappear. Poof. That is what I find so hard.
Paul would have found that hard too. In fact, this seems to be the crux of the reason for his plea. The vision of ministry Paul has is not merely exchanging goods and services for a salary. Paul’s ministry among them was not like Facebook Marketplace: You want something? Great, I’ll give it to you for a price. If you want sermons, if you want leadership, if you want truth? Here’s the price. That works well enough on Facebook Marketplace, but it wasn’t the way Paul served churches. He lovingly labored among them as a father, longing for them to follow his loving example, even as he follows Christ (cf. 1 Cor. 11:1).
And yet, in return, they remain closed. “You are restricted in your own affections,” he writes. When I read that, I think of the human body, the heart and veins and arteries and cholesterol and plaque buildup. Your body needs open veins and arteries, not clogged ones. Restrictions can cause heart attacks and strokes. Paul is telling them that his affection flows one way, but it’s not coming back. He’s asking them to consider why, and take steps in the right direction—because this situation can’t abide long without serious consequences.
Once upon a time, I knew a guy I’ll call Steve. Steve attended the first church where I served as a pastor. We met shortly after I’d been hired, maybe only three weeks into the job. The church had hired me as their Associate Pastor of Teaching and Connections. I’d preach occasionally, but mainly I’d help people get connected.
On one of those first few Sundays, I found myself handing out bulletins at the sanctuary door. Steve walks in, and I hand him a bulletin. He says to me, “So you’re the new guy.” He has a sort of funny smirk on his face. He seems happy to see me. We talk for a minute, and he asks, “So what do you do here?” I return the smirk and say, “I help people get connected.”
Steve just raises his eyebrows and says, “Oh.” I smile back at him, give him a serious, overly dramatic look, and say, “So, Steve . . . do you feel connected?” It seemed like a funny thing to say.
He snaps the bulletin from my hand and says, “I’m as connected as I want to be.” Then he walks into church.
I thought I had made a terrible mistake. “That guy hates me,” I worried. “If I can’t hand out bulletins without making people mad, how can I be a connections pastor?”
Steve and I became friends over the next few years. What I didn’t know when Steve first told me he “was as connected as he wanted to be” was that he was attending our church while going through a period of intense healing from a difficult situation. He was still raw. I’ll leave the details aside, but at that time, Steve truly was as connected as he wanted to be. When I learned more about him, I didn’t blame him for owning his unconnected-ness.
But what I came to love about Steve was that he knew being restricted and guarded was not a viable long-term strategy. Steve never intended to remain permanently restricted, to remain intentionally casually connected to the body of Christ. Slowly, patiently, purposefully, he knew he needed to keep opening himself up to others. And as he did, he got better.
Sometimes, though, I wonder whether too many Christians view being “as connected as they want to be” as their permanent plan. Perhaps you even feel right now, as Steve did then, that you have all the connection you want, thank you very much.
Okay, fine, I get it. Still, I must ask: Is that your long-term strategy?
The heart of Christ for his children—as expressed in Paul’s heart for the Corinthian church—is an open heart that pumps love without restriction to all parts of the body and then back again. The heart of all local church pastors, when thinking and pastoring rightly, longs for more than Facebook Marketplace, more than a dispassionate, aloof exchange of religious goods and services. Such a thought would have been abhorrent to Paul. I think all pastors find it abhorrent too. And I think all Christians, when we’re thinking rightly, feel the same.
Has anything restricted your love for your own church, its leadership, and the people within it? Maybe those restrictions have a good explanation. Maybe you’ve been hurt. Maybe you’ve even hurt others. So maybe now is a time to be more withdrawn as you seek healing.
But I still ask: Is remaining aloof your ten-year plan for your relationship with the local church and the people you serve? God has created longings within his people for something more than mere attendance.
And to the pastors reading this, I don’t want to assume you’re not hurt as well. Perhaps it’s your love that’s become restricted. You might have good reasons for that blockage. But don’t let that be your long-term strategy either. Restrictions in the body rarely improve without intentional effort.
With the help of Christ, what concrete steps could you take today to move toward others? If you don’t know, start with prayer and ask a friend.
* Photo by Bruno BD on Unsplash
How to Leave a Church Well
We spend lots of time talking about how to start church membership well, but we should also be discussing how to leave a church well. Here’s an excerpt from the Epilogue to the church membership book I wrote called, EACH PART WORKING PROPERLY.
An excerpt from the Epilogue to the church membership book I wrote called, Each Part Working Properly.
* * *
We’ve just spent three weeks talking about what it means to join a church generally and specifically to join our church. We’ve talked about what we believe about all sorts of theological doctrines, from the Gospel, to the EFCA statement of faith, and we even touched on premillennialism, Reformed theology and complementarianism. We’ve talked about where our denomination has been, how our church was planted, and how, in the future, we’d also like to plant churches. We’ve talked about the importance of being practically connected to God’s body, the local church, and we have talked about the story God has given you to share. As I said at the start, this was our attempt to love you well. You need to know what you are getting into when you join a church. It’s not a small decision.
But we’re not done yet; there is one more thing to cover.
We live in transient times. People can so quickly change cell phone numbers, email addresses, and even houses, jobs, and careers. In today’s culture, there are simply not many things that have permanence, even from a human perspective, and this includes loyalty to a local church.
All of this is not necessarily a bad thing, but it does create the need for a conversation about how to leave a church well. In this short epilogue, our purpose is not to delve into all the potential reasons for leaving a church—the good, the bad, and the ugly. But given the fact that, unless you and I die while at Community, at some point in our lives we will all move on to another church for one reason or another.
What we ask is this: when the time does arrive, that you make the necessary effort to leave Community well. What “well” looks like will vary from situation to situation. Perhaps it involves a simple phone call to the church office to let us know. Or perhaps it involves a longer conversation with members of the pastoral staff.
Because we really do care about you, we don’t simply want you to fade away, or worse yet, to leave with feelings of resentment and hurt, or unresolved conflict. Leaving a church poorly is not good for anybody—the person, the particular church from which you leave, and even the next church that you join. In fact, if you didn’t leave well from your previous church, it’s not too late. God wants you to do so, because when we talk about the church, we’re talking about Jesus’s bride.
And as God loves you, we love you. So, if you should decide to become connected to our fellowship, great. But please love us enough in return to leave well, if and when the time comes.
Introduction from EACH PART WORKING PROPERLY
An excerpt from the Introduction to the church membership book I wrote called, EACH PART WORKING PROPERLY.
An excerpt from the Introduction to the church membership book I wrote called, Each Part Working Properly.
* * *
Our membership class used to be on a Sunday after church. It was just an hour or two, but it made for a long day.
In the class, a few pastors would share about our church, and we’d do our best to teach the material and answer some questions. Often, however, the whole thing felt rushed. Often I could tell that someone wanted to ask follow-up questions, but at the same time, he didn’t want to be “that guy”—you know, the one who keeps people at a meeting even longer, a meeting that’s already too long.
And it wasn’t just getting through all of our information that made the class rushed. We, as pastors, also wanted to get to know the people in the class, just as they wanted to get to know us. Yet there just wasn’t much time for this either.
Let me put it like this. It was as though we were all at a restaurant to enjoy a good meal with good company, but then we looked at our watches, realized we were out of time, and we had to go. So together, we scarfed down our food and left—a little unsatisfied.
Now, we have slowed things down.
Now, the membership class lasts four weeks. During the first three weeks, we cover topics that we think would be helpful to you as you consider what it might mean to join our church. We cover topics such as the meaning of the Gospel, our church’s history and structure, and our denomination’s core theological beliefs.
This may not seem very important—but trust me, it is.
Let me tell you why with a little story. I have a brother who started attending a church in the Midwest with his family. At first, things seemed great. They liked the pastor, the worship was engaging, and the people were friendly. And so they stayed. But as time went on, they began to have questions about the theology of the church. After a year and a half at the church, my brother told me, “You know, Benjamin, I don’t think we would have stayed here if we had known upfront what this church was about.” The church wasn’t teaching anything heretical, just off center a bit, at least from my brother’s perspective.
This put them in a place where they had to make a hard decision: stay, continuing to invest with people they now considered family, or leave, following their theological consciences only to start over somewhere else.
We don’t want this to happen to you. We care about you. This membership class, and this book, are expressions of that care. Of course, we believe this is a good church, a good place to worship God; that’s why we’re here. But you’ll need to decide that for yourself, and the best way for you to make that choice, we believe, besides participating in our weekly worship services, is by going through this class.
In addition to your learning about us, throughout the class, we hope to learn about you as well. That’s especially what the last week is about. On Week 4, there is no “material” per se; we dedicate all of the time in class for you to take turns sharing some of what God has done in your life. This will take place among the people that you’ve sat at the same tables with throughout the class. For some, perhaps even you, this sharing about what God has done in your life sounds like a scary thing. But it shouldn’t be; we’ll do our best to prepare you for it.
Finally, in this class we hope that you’ll find a ministry, or several ministries, for you to serve in; that is, we want you to find a place to use the gifts that God has given you. Growing churches can be misleading. Newcomers see all of the activity and think, “There’s no place here for me to serve.”
Wrong.
We may have a lot going on, but we want you—in fact, we need you—just as a healthy family needs all of its members. Because through the power of the Gospel, “when each part is working properly” (Ephesians 4:15), God builds his church in love.